Tuesday, January 17, 2017

10 Food Rules for TV Characters (satire)



Image result for ncis thanksgiving

1. Your characters may never finish a meal, unless on a date at a restaurant. If they are at a Thanksgiving dinner, the show will end as someone is first cutting into the turkey. If they order a hot dog on the street, half of that hot dog is going in the trash.

2. Chinese food may only be eaten directly out of the carton and with chopsticks, and never during the day. Someone should always ask someone else to “pass the Kung Pao Chicken.”


3. Despite the glorious array of pizza enhancements available to us in the modern world, the only pizza topping your character may ever ask for is “extra cheese.”

4. The only fruit your character may ever eat is an apple. They never wash it, and, pursuant to Rule One, never finish it, unless they show up to the scene with one bite left, in which case they can take that bite and forcefully discard the core in a nearby wastepaper basket.


5. If your character leaves food labeled with their name on it in a communal refrigerator, another character will always eat it with no remorse whatsoever.

6. If one character is cooking for another, that meal will always include a large pot of some kind of sauce that the other character must taste with a wooden spoon and announce “needs salt/too much salt.”

7. If your characters visit a morgue, the Medical Examiner must always be eating to show us how immune he is to being surrounded by corpses. The sloppier the meal, the better.

8. In Sci Fi shows, alien food must always be disgusting.


9. “Chekov’s Peanut.” If a character announces he or she has a food allergy, he or she will always accidentally ingest that food before the end of the show..

10. The more distasteful a food is to 9 out of 10 of the characters on a show, the more that 10th character will love it. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Suicide Squad: Review


Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Deadshot, Katana, Col Flagg, Killer Croc and El Diablo: "The Suicide Squad"

(Warning: Spoilers for Suicide Squad and Batman vs. Superman follow)

I really wanted to like Suicide Squad. I really did. I thought it was a bold choice for DC to go with a villain-centric movie and I hoped it would be a home run. Sadly, it was not.

If you’ve never seen a movie before, you probably would have liked Suicide Squad. There was action, there was rising tension, and so forth, but in such a formulaic way it seemed like the screenplay was copied from a basic textbook on screenwriting. Our heroes are summoned, they resist the call, they face challenges, they even give up and take a break to have a drink and do some soul searching before inspiration strikes and they find the resolve they need to win the final battle.

The plot centers around the threat created when the ancient witch known as The Enchantress summons to Earth her brother, a big, nasty, fire-enshrouded demon named Incubus, who proceeds to wreak havoc on Midway City. The only thing that can stop him? A “Dirty Dozen” of supervillains, injected with remote-controlled nanite bombs in their necks to keep them obedient, who are then sent forth to save the day.

Supposedly, this “Task Force X,” or more colloquially, the Suicide Squad, was assembled in the wake of the death of Superman (which happened at the end of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, for those who missed it). The idea being “what if the next Superman is a bad guy?” This seems a little bit like closing the barn door after the horse has died. Couldn’t they just as easily have said “what if Doomsday (who killed Superman) survived?" or, “hey, there are a lot of super-powered threats out there, what if we had our own team to combat them?”

One of the first recruits to the new team is the aforementioned Enchantress, and the fact that the Suicide Squad’s first mission is to undo a mess that the assembler and big boss of the Squad, Amanda Waller, has created, by recruiting the Enchantress in the first place, sort of undercuts the credibility of the whole idea. In “reality,” Amanda Waller is a bit of a megalomaniac who just likes the idea of having a team of super-powered nasties under her thumb, and it would have been nice if they played up that angle a little more.


Margot Robbie as "Harley Quinn"

All these plot issues might have been forgivable, however, if not for the casting. Now, the first thing that I have to say is that all the actors in Suicide Squad are very talented, and they definitely bring those talents to their roles, but these just don’t FEEL like the DC characters we know and love. Jared Leto’s Joker is more weird and creepy than clever or scary. In fact, it feels like this character is a Joker copycat, a trope that has appeared in the comics from time to time. His moll, Harley Quinn, is played by Margot Robbie, and it feels like a great performance by someone who has never read a comic book before. She slips in and out of Harley’s trademark Brooklyn accent just often enough to remind us that she’s putting it on, and her character, while bad ass and hot and crazy and all that, just doesn’t have that Je ne sais quoi of Harley Quinn. Also, we are told that Harley used to be a self-respecting psychiatrist, but was seduced by the Joker into joining the dark side. Here the movie missed a great opportunity to show us some Hannibal Lecter-Clarisse Starling-esque mindfucking that the Joker used to win Harley over, but we get little to none of that. Apologists will say it was beyond the scope of the story but to me it just feels lazy. I could be wrong. David Ayers is a talented writer/director and I have to imagine he was severely hamstrung by studio executives in order to produce such a by-the-numbers script.

The point is, none of these characters feel right, and they should. The first time you saw Robert Downey, Jr. experimenting with pieces of Iron Man armor in his lab, you said “Yes! THAT is Iron Man. That is Tony Stark.” It felt right. Just as it’s easy to believe that Chris Evans is Steve Rogers and even Tom Holland’s brief appearance as Spider-Man in Captain America: Civil War is totally on point. On the other hand, when I see Ezra Miller as The Flash, in his clunky red armor suit ringed by blue lightning halos like some kind of Millennial Terminator, I want to cringe every time.

DC’s movie casting may be hurt by comparisons to their TV casting, which is phenomenal. Grant Gustin is completely convincing as The Flash, and every character that appears on that show feels like they stepped straight out of the comic book that bears his name. Even Tyler Loechlin, who guest stars as the Last Son of Krypton on CW’s Supergirl, makes a far more convincing Man of Steel than Henry Cavil ever will. I think DC has been very wise to keep their TV and movie universes separate, unlike Marvel, who has pretty much thrown all its eggs in the same basket. It’s working for them, but most of their TV properties are streaming on Netflix, which has a much more cinematic feel to it than network fare.

The final indignity of Suicide Squad is the post-credits sequence, in which Bruce Wayne played by Ben Affleck is acquiring information from Amanda Waller regarding the individuals who will become the Justice League of America. It feels EXACTLY like every Nick Fury/Tony Stark post credit sequence in which the formation of the Avengers is alluded to. Now, I know these companies copy from each other constantly and incessantly and they are both equally guilty, but inviting comparisons to the Marvel Cinematic Universe is just asking for trouble.


I’ll always be a dedicated DC fan, and I’ll go see all the movies, and I’m very excited about what’s happening on TV with the DC Universe. But Suicide Squad feels like just another attempt by DC to duplicate Marvel’s big screen success, and to me, DC’s just not built that way. That’s not to say that DC can’t kill it with an expanded movie universe, but I feel like a different approach may be called for.

Sunday, October 02, 2016

How Subway Ruined the Lives of Two Innocent People Forever

If you watch football on Sundays, or probably if you watch any network television, you have almost certainly been subjected to this commerical numerous times. No doubt Subway feels that repetition is the best way to ingrain their desired result in your memory, namely, that any day is a great day to go to Subway. However, their plan has backfired, because, like Bill Murray's long suffering Phil Connors in Groundhog Day, I have lived the unceasing Hell of this commerical so many times, I have finally uncovered what a true nightmare play is really unfolding.


Take a minute to watch the commercial and refresh yourself. I'll wait.

Okay, the first thing you have to realize is that this is the same couple going through different stages of their life, all of which have Subway sandwiches as a crucial element. It took me about five or ten watchings to realize that this was one evolving couple and not three different freakish couples who are obssessed with Subway sandwiches.

So, now that we know the story, what we are watching seems clear. This is a sweet story of how two people found each other through their shared love of Subway sandwiches; meeting, getting married, and ultimately starting a family whose scion is named after one of the sandwiches they love so dearly and the (according to Subway) corresponding day of the week.

Only look a little more closely, as I have after having seen this commerical thousands of times and being forced to scrutinize every terrifying detail.

Look at the face of the male character, whom I will call "NJ" for "Not Jared." It should be clear that when the young lady, whom I will call "CSL" for "Crazy Subway Lady," suggests a second date on Black Forest Ham day, that NJ does not know WHAT THE FUCK SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. However, like any red blooded nerdy teenager when faced with the possibility of a second date with a hot girl, he plays along.

We've seen numerous stories of a young man trying to impress a girl by convincing her that they share interests ("Oh, you collect vintage knitting needles too? What a crazy coincidence! I have to go log on to eBay now for a totally unrelated matter!"). So there is no question that this guy, realizing that he's never going to do better than CSL, went home and memorized the Subway Menu, possibly gorging himself on their sandwiches all week to become accustomed to the taste.

Flash forward to a time when Subway has not changed their marketing campaign for several years and still matches specific sandwiches with days of the week. Here we see, NJ looking at his wedding album with pride, reminding us of that amazing June day when all his dreams came true. Naturally, CSL is quick to remind us it was "Tuna Day." Watch NJ grimace as he remembers that he invited 200 friends and relatives to an affair which was catered not with your choice of steak or chicken, but with $3.50 tuna sandwiches on bread that may or may not have been made from ammonia by-products.

Finally, we see the happy couple with their new baby "Teri," Who do you think named this poor child? I promise you it's not NJ, who grudgingly echoes that his beloved offspring was named after a goddamn sandwich.

As should now be obvious, this family's entire relationship is based on lies. NJ clearly loves CSL, but CSL only loves her sweet, sweet, Subway sandwiches. I can just see their lives unfolding, NJ sneaking out to Quiznos just to get CSL's attention, which just drives CSL further into the arms of Tuna, Black Forest Ham and the rest, exacerbating the most bizarre eating disorder in the history of man and no doubt necessitating thousands of hours of therapy for their poor child Teriyaki.

Now, I'll admit, this campaign has a big edge over Subway's old "Eat our sandwiches, lose a bunch of weight and have sex with children," effort, but it's not much less likely to make me wake up in a cold sweat wondering what other horrors Subway has in store.

I'm not making any commentary about the quality of Subway's product (my understanding is that the Ammonia thing has been taken care of), however, their marketing strategists have a disturbing view of how relationships and food fit together.

Eat Fresh? More like EAT FRESH HELL!


Saturday, July 23, 2016

What The Hell Happened to the NRA?



Ah, the National Rifle Association. That peaceful group dedicated to improving marksmanship and gun safety. A group whose primary activities are target shooting competitions and supporting sensible gun control legislation.

Wait, what? Am I talking about the same group that used to feature Charlton Heston waving a rifle and exhorting people to try and pry it from his cold dead hands? That is always on call, sometimes with armed militia members, to battle any type of gun legislation? That whips its members into a frenzy by telling them that liberal politicians are coming to take their guns away? (And by the way, no President in history, or any major politician to my knowledge, has EVER advocated taking the legally-owned guns of competent, law-abiding citizens. But the fear remains.)

Believe it or not, for most of the NRA’s nearly 150-year history, they were exactly the organization I mentioned in the first paragraph. Founded in 1871 by former Union soldiers alarmed at what poor shots Northerners were compared to their Southern counterparts, the group was dedicated primarily to good marksmanship, and were at the forefront of supporting just about any reasonable gun control bill that came before Congress, in the 1920s, 1930s, and even as recently as the 1960s. Two of the most important pieces of gun control legislation our country has, the National Firearms Act of 1934 and the FederalFirearms Act of 1938, were staunchly supported by the NRA. They even downplayed the importance of the now sacrosanct 2nd Amendment as a defense against gun laws.

So what the hell happened?

What happened is this guy:


This is not Wayne LaPierre, the lunatic Hitler wannabe and CEO of the NRA who has been the face of the gun lobbying organization for the past several decades. He looks like this:



No, the first guy is Harlon “Bullethead” Carter, and he is also a gem of a guy. Ol’ Bullethead was a poster boy for the modern NRA member. The Texan son of a Border Patrol Officer, Harlon Carter was an expert marksman, a passionate lover of guns since childhood, and best of all, had murdered a Mexican teenager with a shotgun when he was 17. He was convicted, then freed on appeal under what might be considered suspicious circumstances.

In 1954, Bullethead, now a card-carrying NRA member and a Border Patrol Officer himself, was one of the those in charge of the charmingly named “Operation Wetback,” (a program praised, by the way, by one Donald J. Trump during the Republican Primary) which rounded up immigrant workers by the hundreds of thousands and dumped them in random parts of Mexico without food, water, their property, or any regard to where in Mexico they actually came from or how they would get back there, and which did little in the long term to resolve the illegal immigration problem.

1976 was the year it all changed for the NRA, and we have Harlon Bullethead Carter to thank. In 1976, there was a schism in the National Rifle Association. Maxwell Rich, the Executive VP of the NRA, wanted to get the NRA out of Washington, DC and away from the lobbying, and move to Colorado Springs to focus on what the NRA was designed for, responsible gun use and ownership. Carter’s faction wasn’t having it. Carter led the NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action (ILA), the NRA’s lobbying arm instituted to fight gun legislation, a faction of the NRA barely tolerated by Rich and the NRA leadership.

The NRA realized that Carter’s group was getting too powerful and gutted it at the end of 1976, firing Carter’s key people and disbanding the ILA. Unfortunately for Rich and the rest of the NRA leadership, a guy nicknamed “Bullethead” was not going to go away quietly. Carter rallied his people and they staged a coup at the NRA’s annual meeting in Cincinnati in 1977. They brought back the ILA and installed Carter as Executive Director. Any idea of moving from D.C. to Colorado Springs was wiped out, and the 2nd Amendment became the NRA’s Holy Word.

The rest is history. The NRA’s conservation and wildlife arm has been systematically all but snuffed out in favor of its lobbying presence. The membership has only gotten larger and more rabid in its opposition to gun control.

Sadly, as they have become more extreme, they have also become more powerful, so powerful that despite the fact that the majority of Americans AND elected officials disagree with the NRA’s stance on gun control, few if any politicians are willing to take them on.


Perhaps if Rich had offered Carter an olive branch, the world would be very different, and many fewer lives would have been cut down by people who had no business having access to guns. Unfortunately, we’ll never know.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Getting Ahead in Capital Punishment





Big Pharma standard bearer Pfizer recently made headlines by refusing to sell drugs to states for use in executions, ending their position as the last holdout among manufacturers of drugs that are used for this purpose. It was a surprisingly moralistic and human gesture for a big pharmaceutical company, not in the least bit diminished by the fact that Pfizer didn’t even sell execution drugs until they acquired Hospira, Inc. last year, so it probably didn’t hurt their bottom line too much.

While I applaud Pfizer for its humanitarian move, it does leave a problem, which is how states that wish to continue murdering their citizens will carry out their executions. According to the New York Times article, “A few states have adopted the electric chair, firing squad or gas chamber as an alternative if lethal drugs are not available.”

EXCUSE ME? Did I just read that right? Did that just say the fucking GAS CHAMBER?? 


Now, I’m well aware that Godwin’s Law says that you can’t win an argument by comparing the other side to Hitler, but THE GAS CHAMBER? If you can find me a person that doesn’t immediately think of Nazis when you say “gas chamber,” then I will show you a person that is either under the age of 25 or lives at least 500 miles from the nearest Jew (not counting the ones in Israel).
For the uninitiated, here’s how the gas chamber works, according to Wikipedia (you can trust them on this one, I promise): As implemented in the United States, the gas chamber is considered to be the most dangerous, most complicated, and most expensive method of administering the death penalty. The condemned person is strapped into a chair within an airtight chamber, which is then sealed. The executioner activates a mechanism which drops potassium cyanide (or sodium cyanide ) pellets into a bath of sulfuric acid beneath the chair; the ensuing chemical reaction generates lethal hydrogen cyanide gas.
The gas is visible to the condemned, who is advised to take several deep breaths to speed unconsciousness. Nonetheless, there are often convulsions and excessive drooling. There may also be urinating, defecating, and vomiting.

Well gee, that doesn’t sound at all cruel or unusual to me. And yet, Oklahoma, the state that is so resolute in its belief in the sanctity of human life that it recently introduced legislation to ban all abortions (and thank you, Governor Fallin, for nipping that nonsense in the bud), is considering introducing the gas chamber to execute its poor black citizens capital offenders. Oh, but don’t worry, they’ll be using safe, painless, nitrogen gas. The victims won’t feel a thing. Yeah. Don’t count on it. 

In 1983 in Mississippi, Jimmy Lee Gray was executed in the gas chamber. According to reports:

“Officials had to clear the room eight minutes after the gas was released when Gray’s desperate gasps for air repulsed witnesses.” According to defense attorney David Bruck, “Jimmy Lee Gray died banging his head against a steel pole in the gas chamber while the reporters counted his moans.”

Now, this gas chamber did not use Nitrogen gas and Jimmy Lee Gray was a murderous pedophile scumbag, but this is not the point. The point is if you think something like this won’t happen again because of this “humane alternative” to cyanide gas, you are kidding yourself.

So where does that leave us? Well, besides the obvious alternative of PUT A STOP TO MURDERING YOUR OWN CITIZENS LIKE EVERY OTHER CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, we are offered the firing squad and the electric chair. Well everyone knows the electric chair sucks and screw-ups like that gas chamber fiasco happen almost every time they try to use it. That’s what made lethal injection so popular in the first place. And the firing squad? Just plugging someone full of holes? Seems pretty barbaric. But there is another alternative, and I don’t know why no one has considered it.



Yes, the humble guillotine. Despite its French name, no one knows who exactly invented the guillotine, and its use has been credited to have begun as far back as the turn of the 14th century. However, it was Dr. Guillotin in the 1790s who successfully advocated for its use as the primary execution device in France, where it served to send thousands to their just reward during the French Revolution. Once France ended capital punishment in 1981, though, that was the end of the guillotine. It has never been used to execute capital punishment in the United States.

Why? Why not? Is it because the guillotine was inhumane? In fact, during the French Revolution, people complained about the government’s use of the guillotine because the condemned were getting off too easy.

The guillotine is the simplest mechanically out of all the death penalty devices and produces death the fastest. In fact, assuming the blade and mechanism are properly maintained, it’s over nearly instantaneously, before the victim has the time to register pain. Now, it is possible that the brain can remain alive for a few seconds after being separated from the body, but there’s still no pain, and this phenomenon would probably be much more disturbing to the observers than the condemned.

No, I speculate that the guillotine, despite being the most humane method of execution, has never been and will never be used in this country because:


            1. It’s associated with the French Revolution and therefore somehow seems archaic and barbaric.

And
  
     2. It’s French.

Well, as I pointed out, it’s not ACTUALLY French, but neither are French Fries. The point is that it’s associated with France, and God forbid we should kill anybody the swishy French way, right?

Let me be clear, here. I am not advocating for the death penalty in any way, shape or form. I think it’s savage, unconstitutional, and, to quote Supreme Court Justice William Brennan “demeans us all.” I mean, full disclosure, Hitler used the guillotine too. 

But if you HAVE to kill your citizens, Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington and Wyoming, won’t you at least consider the guillotine? Please, don’t stand on tradition or national pride on this one. Use your head.


Wednesday, April 06, 2016

The 50 Most Important Superheroes, Ranked. #1 Will Shock You!

So, recently, GameSpot put out a list of the most important superheroes, ranked. It was a terrible list that included Pootie Tang and Hancock, and I’m not even going to link to it because it was so awful. But it did make me aware that there is a burning need for such a list. So here it is before you. But before we begin….

THE RULES

If you’re going to make a list like this, there’s got to be rules. Rule #1, these are the most important superheroes, not the coolest, the most popular, or the most powerful. To rank on the list, you’ve got to make a lasting and meaningful contribution to the comic book/superhero community. Rule #2. DC and Marvel only. I know there are hugely important superheroes that were produced by indie creators, but the scope of possible entries is so large already that for the sake of expediency, I feel compelled to stick to the mainstream guys. So sorry, no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Captain Everything, Spawn, or Hellboy here. Maybe I’ll do a list of the most important indie superheroes in a different post. Rule #3. This list is for Super Heroes. That means guys who put on a costume and fight crime. So you won’t find supernatural-based characters like Constantine, Dr. Strange, Swamp Thing or The Demon, and you won’t see NPC* types like Lois Lane, Alfred, or Jarvis. It also means heroes. They can be a bit morally ambiguous, but there’s no one on here who occasionally fights for the side of right because they were forced to join the Suicide Squad or because they’re in love with Batman. So, Deadpool and Wolverine make the cut, Harley Quinn, Deadshot, Magneto, and Catwoman no. Rule #4. An included hero means all incarnations of that hero. That means a Green Lantern entry includes the entire Green Lantern Corps, a Flash entry includes the Flashes of Earth 1, Earth 2…. Earth-n, and Robin includes every Tim, Dick and Jason you can think of. Finally, Rule #5. Teams. I included a team if I felt their influence as a team ranked them as of top importance. When I included a team, it took up as many places on the list as the team had original team members. To try to include every member that has passed through the ranks of a team, even one like the Fantastic Four, would swamp the list. If I felt a team member had individual importance that ranked, I gave them a separate entry. You’ll also note that I didn’t include the JLA, JSA, the Avengers or the Legion of Super Heroes. I’ll explain why at the end. And yes, #1 on the list WILL shock you (Spoiler Alert: It isn’t Superman). So without further ado….

*Ask your geeky D&D playing friends.


48-50. The Teen Titans (Original Members: Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad)


There was a time long ago when comic books were actually geared towards kids. But very few were actually about kids. The Teen Titans gave kids and teenagers an in to the world of superheroes with three (and shortly thereafter five, and then many more) super powered youngsters who were more than just a “Junior Justice League,” but a group of individuals with their own identities. The 80’s reboot by Marv Wolfman and George Perez was one of the most read and celebrated books of its era, and introduced characters crucial to the DC Universe today, like Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven, and Starfire, and has inspired spinoffs and an animated series. Best of all, the original members actually grew up and fulfilled their young promise, with Robin becoming Nightwing, Kid Flash becoming the third Flash, Speedy, who joined shortly after the group's first appearance, becoming Arsenal/Red Arrow, and Wonder Girl, who also joined the team at the beginning, transforming into Troia.

47. The Sandman

I’m cheating a little here. Wesley Dodds’ Sandman, a 40’s mystery man with Bruce Wayne-like wealth and a gas gun that put villains to sleep, was an interesting hero, and a member of the original Justice Society. However, his real contribution to comics’ history was inspiring Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, a title related only as tangentially as possible to the original. Gaiman created a rich mythology all his own inside the D.C. Universe with his tales of Morpheus, the essence of Dreams. Besides being one of the classic works of comic literature, Gaiman’s Sandman has inspired the FOX TV show Lucifer and a movie based on his series has been rumored to be in the works for years.

46. The Scarlet Witch

The Scarlet Witch, a reformed evil mutant or an alien experiment, depending on which retcon you ask, has a simple but very important power. She can change reality. Typically, her “Hex Powers” were merely used to create a little bad luck for her enemies. However, when she got pissed enough, with a little power boost, she rewrote the entire universe. (See House of M). The result of which was a brutal but badly needed ethnic cleansing of mutants in the Marvel Universe (They really had gotten into everything). Eventually, the mutants get their abilities back, but this event established Wanda Maximoff as a lady you don’t want to mess around with. Oh, and she also married a nearly indestructible robot, which is its own thing.

45. Ms. Marvel


While Carol Danvers, the original Ms. Marvel and current Captain Marvel in the Marvel Universe is plenty important, the major reason Ms. Marvel is on the list is because of the 4th character to wear this mantle. Kamala Khan. Khan, a Pakistani-American who is one of Marvel’s “Inhumans,” is not only a teenage girl who kicks ass, but is the first Muslim to star in her own comic book. Not bad in today’s ethnically sensitive times.

38-44 The Crimebusters (Original Members: Captain Metropolis, The Comedian, Rorschach, Nite Owl, the Silk Spectre, Dr. Manhattan, Ozymandias)


While those who only saw the movie know them as “The Watchmen,” in fact, the main heroes in Alan Moore’s now classic graphic novel were never really on a team together, meeting only once as “The Crimebusters,” a meeting that went about as badly as possible. However, the characters in Watchmen, based on the Charlton Heroes The Peacemaker, The Question, The Blue Beetle, Nightshade, Captain Atom and Thunderbolt (Captain Metropolis was a minor character Moore invented completely), changed the way the world looked at superheroes, and, along with Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns, Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, and Moore’s other groundbreaking work, Swamp Thing, ushered in the era of comics as literature, comics that weren’t just for kids anymore.

36-37 Hawkman/Hawkgirl


Hawkman and Hawkgirl (sometimes Hawkwoman, but usually Hawkgirl), were one of the first, if not the first, married superhero teams. In a universe where most superheroes were either loners or had swooning girfriends who could never truly possess them, married superheroes making it work was a unique idea that paved the way for other married superheroes like the Vision and the Scarlet Witch, Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman, and Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl. The Hawks also possess not one, but two of the most unique origin stories around. In one, they are incarnations of an Egyptian Prince and his true love, doomed to be slain by their mortal enemy and reincarnated over and over again, in another, they are a pair of space cops tracking a super-thief to Earth, where they remain to capture him and end up making it their home.

35. Aquaman


The Earth is 70 percent water, and without the King of the Seven Seas, that’s leaving a lot of fertile story “ground” on the table. Aquaman, born Arthur Curry, has been around a long time, an original member of the Justice League and one who has been with the league in almost every incarnation. While Aquaman is sometimes mocked as “the guy who talks to fish,” (Thanks “Superfriends”), he is in fact a critical part of the D.C. Universe, and his powers, which include immense strength and toughness, tremendous swimming speed, the ability to breathe underwater and yes, telepathy with sea life, are often vastly underestimated.

34. The Sub Mariner

Without Namor, however, there might be no Aquaman. Namor the Sub-Mariner was one of the first superheroes, fighing alongside Captain America and the original Human Torch during World War II as The Invaders. Aquaman’s powers, origin, and motivations are disturbingly similar to Namor’s, although usually Arthur has a more favorable demeanor. Namor is fiercely territorial and a rival of Reed Richards for the Invisible Woman’s affections, so while he is a good guy at heart, he can be said to be one of the first antiheroes in comics.

33. The Martian Manhunter

So what’s so great about the Martian Manhunter? Well as humble as J’onn J’onzz is, he probably won’t tell you that he has quietly served as a stand in for Superman just about whenever DC has needed one. Until recently replaced by Cyborg (which I don’t understand), the Manhunter was a member of every incarnation of the Justice League of America, which was convenient for times when DC didn’t want Superman used in that book, since MM’s powers are very similar (flight, super strength, invulnerable skin, with shape changing, invisibility, telepathy, and some other goodies throwin into the mix). He’s also appeared in DCs TV Universe in both Smallville and Supergirl, so he must have something good going on, right?

32. Cyclops


X-men come and go, but Cyclops always seems to keep on trucking. He was the tacit field general of the original X-men, stuck around to lead the massively successful 70s reboot, and he’s still bossing some mutants somewhere around today. While firing concussive bolts from your eyes may not seem like the most impressive power, it’s Scott Summers deep love of his mutant family, thoughtfulness, and abilities as a master strategist that makes him so important to the X-men specifically and the greater Marvel Universe in general.

31. Storm

Storm wasn’t the first black superhero and she wasn’t the first female superhero, but she might have been the first to be both, and she’s certainly one of the most prominent figures in the Marvel Universe. She’s been a goddess, a queen, the leader of the X-men, and she even rocked a Mohawk for awhile. If you can say the Uncanny X-Men took the world by Storm, Ororo Munroe is a big reason why.

30. Thor


Speaking of gods and the weather, you can’t talk about either without mentioning Thor, and his importance to the Marvel Universe. While both DC and Marvel have their full versions of the Greek and Roman pantheon of Gods, Thor seems to be the only truly successful “crossover” artist, serving as both one of the most powerful Avengers and the Norse God of Thunder. Between his ability to connect the old mythology with the new, and being able to be “Marvel’s Superman,” at least with respect to power levels, color scheme, and his place among Earth’s superheroes, he’s certainly well-placed on this list.

29. Green Arrow

The hero originally conceived as “Batman with a Bow” (complete with Arrowcave, Arrowcar, and kid sidekick), quickly became a hero in his own right. In a way, he became almost the antithesis of Batman and Superman, losing his fortune and becoming a “hero of the streets.” While too much of a loner to stick with any team for long, the Battlin Bowman has had memorable team ups with Green Lantern, Batman, his sidekick Speedy, and of course, his lady, the Black Canary. He’s inspired a movie (long discussed but never made), and is the flagship character of DC’s new expanded TV universe.

28. Daredevil


Another Batman-type character with a unique twist, Daredevil has long been a fan favorite. The ultimate evolution of Stan Lee’s mission to offer readers “heroes with real problems,” Daredevil’s is about as real as can get. He’s blind. AND he lives in a crappy neighborhood. The idea of a disabled superhero was way ahead of its time, excluding the occasional wheelchair-bound Professor, and it’s no accident that just as GA was chosen to lead the DC TV charge, DD was tabbed to spearhead Marvel’s Netflix initiative.

27. Nightwing


Nightwing began as Dick Grayson, whose parents’ death at the hands of criminals proved strangely reminiscent to one Caped Crusader, who took in the young boy and trained him to fight crime as Robin, the boy wonder. Thus, the idea of the kid sidekick was firmly entrenched in comic book culture. Not only was Dick Grayson the first prominently known kid sidekick, he was also (along with Kid Flash) the first one to become a hero in his own right, giving up the Robin mantle to become Nightwing. Today, generations have passed since Dick was anything but Nightwing, but his growth from kid sidekick to scourge of evildoers has had a significant impact on the comic book universe.

26. Robin


But he had to become Robin first, and he wasn’t the only one. At least half a dozen young ones have worn the yellow cape, each one bringing something new and different to the Batman family. Robin is the granddaddy of all sidekicks, the colorful Yin to Batman’s grim Yang, one of the things that gives the Bat his humanity. Some Robins quit, some die, and some strike out on their own, (and some do all three) but each one is a significant part of comics lore.

25. The Hulk


Is he man or monster? Is how the Hulk was originally introduced, and we still don’t have the answer. Inspired by the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story, the Hulk speaks to the rage inside all of us clamoring to get out. It’s no surprise that the Hulk is a fan favorite, especially among kids. Who among us doesn’t yearn to plow forth with a good “HULK SMASH!” when the world comes down too hard? The Hulk is a complicated hero, sometimes a gentle giant, sometimes a case of unfettered Id gone berserk. He’s inspired two movies and a classic TV show, and there’s no doubt the comic landscape wouldn’t be the same without the not-so-Jolly Green Giant.

24. Hank Pym


Poor Hank Pym. Things never seem to work out for the most talented, or at least the most dangerous, inventor in the Marvel Universe. Sure, the Pym Particles he created made Ant Man and the Wasp possible, not to mention Yellowjacket, Goliath and Giant-Man. But then again, he also created Ultron. He’s gone from founding Avenger to domestic abuser to duped criminal until hopefully redeemed as a mentor to younger heroes, the role he plays in the latest Ant-Man movie. With all of that history under his belt, it shouldn’t be any wonder why he’s on this list.

23. The Wasp

There wouldn’t be any Wasp without Hank, but there would still be a Janet Van Dyne. Never a mere piece of arm candy, even as Ant-Man’s “sidekick” she could do more, flying and generating “wasp stings” as part of her repertoire. She’s one of the first superheroes to authentically embrace both her feminine side and her powerful crime fighting side. She loves to shop and hates to wear the same superhero outfit twice, an idea that had never been put forth before but when you thought about it, of course! How many women want to wear the exact same outfit out every day? But once that outfit was on, criminals beware! Even during the “abuse” storyline, Janet refused to be a victim, and remains a shining example of a strong, independent female superhero to comics fans everywhere.

22. Iron Man


Tony Stark would never forgive me if I left him off this list. If Hank Pym isn’t the greatest inventor in the Marvel Universe, it’s this guy. After all, he built the device that saved his own life out of spare parts while he was dying. And then, of course, there’s all those bad ass Iron Man armors he’s made. Iron Man introduced us to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, has headed SHIELD, and is a key figure in the Universe-changing event Marvel’s Civil War (now a movie itself). Tony would be the first to tell you he’s Batman and Superman rolled into one, which is partly true and partly his tremendous ego. Tony’s also very human. Besides that ego I just mentioned, Tony’s had to deal with alcoholism and the loss of his company, not to mention his best friend, his girlfriend, and even his armor at various times. It’s hard to imagine a comic book universe without an Iron Man.

21. Green Lantern

The Green Lantern, and by extension, the Green Lantern Corps, expanded the DC Universe dramatically. When Hal Jordan received his power ring from Abin Sur and learned of the Guardians of the Universe and their intergalactic police force whose primary weapons were rings that chanelled their own will, we learned that we were no longer alone in the DC Universe. More than just the occasional Kryptonian or Martian, there were whole sectors of space to be explored, and a serious conflict for Mr. Jordan, forced to divide his time between defending his home planet and protecting the larger chunk of space it belonged to.


20. Captain America



Captain America predates the modern incarnation of Marvel Comics, but ever since Avengers #4, when he was thawed out of the Arctic ice, he has been as identified with Marvel as Superman or Batman has with DC. Like Iron Man, Cap combines a lot of what is interesting about Superman and Batman. He’s a stalwart defender of truth, justice and the Red, White, and Blue, but he doesn’t have the benefit of tank-lifitng strength or skin that’s impervious to bullets. He’s NOT a guy with no powers, however. The Super-Soldier serum flowing through his system is some serious stuff, so serious that pretty much the primary focus of Marvel’s Ultimate Universe was guys trying to recreate it. Not to mention that shield of his does a pretty good impression of Superman’s skin when it comes to dealing with projectiles. Cap’s had his own (terrible) TV Movie, an animated series, and some of the best movies the Marvel Cinematic Universe has had to offer. Few can beat his significance to the comics world.

19. Phoenix



Unlike in real life, death is not a final destination in comics, but a pit stop. To give you an idea of how impermanent it is, here’s a partial list of superheroes who have died and come back:

Batman AND Robin, Captain America AND Bucky, Superman, Supergirl, Green Arrow, Green Lantern, the Flash, and Spider-Man. And plenty more.

It’s pretty rare that a major character would die and stay dead. That is, until Jean Grey, possessed by the Phoenix force, sacrificed her life so that her fellow X-men could avoid persecution for her crime, which was merely absorbing the sun energy away from a planet in its solar system, killing all of its inhabitants. It was an emotional storyline, and after a few years, it became clear that even though Jean was a MAJOR CHARACTER, she was really gone. Of course, they brought her back after five years, but that was a LONG time for a character to be dead back then. (Since then, five years is nothing. Robin #2 Jason Todd came back after 17 years, Barry Allen’s Flash was dead more than 20, and Bucky Barnes spent a full SIXTY years in Hades before reemerging as The Winter Soldier). As far as I know, the only major superhero to die and stay dead is the Legion of Super Heroes’ Ferro Lad, but you didn’t know who the hell he was anyway, right? Anyway, the point is, Jean Grey/Phoenix, in addition to being one of the seminal X-Men, mainstreamed the idea that superheroes could die and stay dead, at least for a little while.


18. Deadpool

A year or two ago, Deadpool probably wouldn’t have been on this list at all. But Wade Wilson, you’re one bad boy that made good. Originally a Deathstroke knockoff that appeared as a villain in the pages of the New Mutants, Deadpool has evolved into something that has changed the world of comic books and superheroes entirely. He’s not the first mainstream comic book character to break the fourth wall. Ambush Bug did it and so did Animal Man (when Grant Morrison dragged him kicking and screaming through it). But he’s the first one to do it so successfully. Deadpool sees the absurdity of the whole comic book universe, and he lets us all in on the joke, kicking a whole holy hell of a lot of ass as he does so. You don’t have to “get” Deadpool and you don’t have to know where he fits into comics continuity. You just have to hold on tight and let him take you along for the ride.

17. Black Panther



It might have been enough that the Black Panther, was the first mainstream superhero to “break the color barrier,” But T’Challa of Wakanda is so much more than that. He was a character of dignity and poise, when, in a time of great civil unrest in America, they could easily have made him some kind of caricature, a backwards savage or jive-talking street tough. Besides the convention of putting the word “Black” in the name of a black superhero, like we wouldn’t notice if they didn’t do that (e.g. Black Lightning, Black Manta, Black Racer), T’Challa’s being African was simply an aspect of his culture, and he was a great example of it, a highly skilled athlete, a genius, and King of a nation that, far from being third-world, was technologically advanced and wealthy due to its stock of Vibranium, a rare and precious metal in the Marvel Universe. It seems the Black Panther is about to experience a bit of a renaissance in both the comics and film, and it is well deserved.

16. Wonder Woman



There may have been a few female superheroes that appeared before Wonder Woman, but none as inspirational, especially to young girls who had few role models in the comic book world. There are now some great female superheroes in mainstream comics, but Wonder Woman led the way. This quote from Princess Diana’s creator, William Moulton Marston, says it all: “Not even girls want to be girls so long as our feminine archetype lacks force, strength, and power. Not wanting to be girls, they don't want to be tender, submissive, peace-loving as good women are. Women's strong qualities have become despised because of their weakness. The obvious remedy is to create a feminine character with all the strength of Superman plus all the allure of a good and beautiful woman.” Okay, you’re gonna want to gloss over that “submissive” part, but this was pretty progressive for 1943. Oh, fun fact, the inspiration for that Golden Lasso of Truth? Marston also was the inventor of the polygraph machine.

15. Batman



What? Batman doesn’t crack the top ten, you cry? I feel your pain. Again, this list is about importance, and while Batman is certainly a mainstay of the comics universe and a popular favorite of many, including myself, his shtick had been done before, with “Mystery Men” like The Shadow, The Phantom, the Scarlet Pimpernel, and Zorro. Of course, nobody does it better than Bruce Wayne, and his influence on the comics universe unquestionably reaches far and wide, so he’s certainly entitled to a top 15 spot.

14. Wolverine



What makes Wolverine so wildly popular? He’s the classic antihero, a good guy but one who plays by his own rules. When he was introduced back in the ‘70s, the idea of the antihero wasn’t nearly as ingrained in the national consciousness as it is today. Most heroes were your standard Law and Order types, so when Wolverine came along, it changed everything. He was perfect for the new X-men, a group of misfits who didn’t quite fit anyone’s mold of what a super team should be, and even though Logan’s a loner at heart, he loves his mutant family. Most of them. Most of the time. Wolverine is one of a kind, and just barely misses the top ten.

10-13. The Fantastic Four (Original Members: Mr. Fantastic, The Invisible Girl, the Thing, the Human Torch)



If you want to blame anyone for pushing Batman, Wolverine or Wonder Woman out of the final spots. Blame Stan Lee and his Fantastic Four. Charged with creating a team of superheroes to rival the JLA (The heroes who would become the Avengers were not yet in existence), Stan and Jack Kirby created the FF, a group of some of the most unusual super heroes the world had ever seen, who were not only a team, but a family. The Fantastic Four ushered in the Marvel Age of superheroes, and even though they haven’t yet quite been able to translate successfully to the big screen, their importance is undiminished. Iconic characters such as Dr. Doom, Galactus, and the Silver Surfer were all introduced in the pages of the Fantastic Four, and they were the foundation on which all Marvel super heroes and super teams were built.

4-9. The X-Men (Original Members: Professor X, Angel, Beast, Cyclops, Iceman, Marvel Girl)



One wonders if the Fantastic Four wasn’t a trial run for an even more unusual band of superheroes, the X-Men. It’s in these pages that Stan Lee conceived of the idea of mutants, not as shambling, radioactive monsters, but as superheroes who were just born that way. While this idea was ahead of its time, the comic world caught up, and when Len Wein reimagined the X-Men in the ‘70s as a group of ethnically diverse outcasts (An African, Russian, Native American, Japanese, Irishman, German and Canadian joined the team, replacing all but Cyclops, Jean Grey, and Professor X), the world began to take notice. When the X-Men finally caught on, they became wildly popular, and mutant persecution as a metaphor for real world bigotry created a meaningful connection for readers, especially minority ones. The X-Men ushered in the modern era of superhero blockbuster movies, have had animated series’ and numerous spinoffs, and we probably wouldn’t have a lot of the characters on this list without them.

3. Spider-Man

You didn’t think you’d get to the end of this list without seeing your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, did you? Spider-Man is one of the most recognizable figures in comics, starring in multiple animated series’, a children’s television show, a live action TV show, a Broadway play, and five movies and counting. And it all started with a little radioactive spider. What made Spider-Man special when he first appeared is that he was a kid with real problems, just like the kids reading about him. He dealt with bullies, unrequited love, the loss of a parental figure, and the challenges of saving the world and still not being late for work or school. He taught us all (via Uncle Ben) that “with Great Power, there must also come Great Responsibility.” He was also a lot more fun than most of the superheroes at the time, a wisecracking prankster who actually seemed to enjoy swinging around the city humiliating bad guys. Spider-Man was a guy you could relate to, which is why he’s the top Marvel hero on this list.

2. Superman


Yes, Superman doesn’t quite top the list, but it’s close. He’s the granddaddy of them all, the hero from which all other heroes sprang forth. There were costumed adventurers before Superman, but the idea of a costumed hero with special abilities beyond those of mortal men, it took Siegel and Shuster to introduce that concept to the comics world. Superman is THE quintessential superhero. He’s got the look,he’s got the powers, and he was the first. He’d be number one on this list if not for…

1.The Flash



Shocked, right? I told you. (If you’re not, it’s only because you used process of elimination, or looked ahead). The explanation is in the picture above. In that comic, “Flash of Two Worlds,” written by Gardner Fox, DC introduced the idea of the multiverse. Different earths occupying the same physical space in different dimensions. Flash crossed the dimensional barrier, allowing him to visit his counterpart from Earth-2, the Flash of the ‘40s and ‘50s. The multiverse enabled conflicting stories to exist within the same continuity, with the explanation that they simply took place in alternate universes. It’s an idea that Marvel co-opted, and both companies use frequently to keep continuity straight today. In fact, a recent TV crossover between the CW’s Flash and CBS’ Supergirl used the multiverse theory to explain why these heroes can’t run into each other more often. DC didn’t invent the multiverse, it’s based on a concept in quantum physics, but, with the Flash’s help, they did make it an invaluable tool in comic book continuity.

The Flash is also the central character in virtually every major reboot DC has done in the past 30 years (check out Crisis on Infinite Earths, Zero Hour, Flashpoint), usually in the form of dying to save the universe (or the multiverse). He’s connected to the Speed Force, a godlike energy that seems to bind the multiverse together. He’s also Sheldon Cooper’s favorite superhero on The Big Bang Theory.

So that’s my list. Oh. And as far as the JLA, JSA and Avengers, I just felt that these characters were more important as individuals, and the idea of lumping all the best characters together in one team wasn’t that groundbreaking. Regarding the Legion of Superheroes, I love you Jim Shooter, but it’s a LEGION, for god’s sake, and I only had 50 spots. Maybe they’ll appear in a future list. (Future. Get it? Cause they’re from the…oh, never mind).

Happy to hear people’s questions, opinions, and irate rage at my leaving out/misranking X Y and/or Z, in the comments.