FULLY CLOTHED KIM KARDASHIAN PICTURES LEAKED
By Craig Berger
The Cyberverse was abuzz today as new pictures of Kim
Kardashian, dressed conservatively and respectfully, were leaked to the
Internet. The not-at-all racy pics were allegedly hacked from the cloud after
being sent from Ms. Kardashian’s phone to a platonic friend.
Naturally, the rare photos have spread like wildfire,
despite every effort by the Kardashian family to contain the damage. When
reached for comment, Ms. Kardashian had the following to say:
“While I am aware I am a public figure, I firmly believe in
the right of all celebrities to be covered up and respectfully dressed among
friends and in their own homes. These pictures were meant for the eyes of close
personal friends and family, and not from leering fans and insensitive media
types desperate to get shots of me in candid poses looking like a normal person
with a sense of human decency and self-respect.”
Despite seemingly standing behind these shots that any
parent would be proud to display on their mantelpiece, the Kardashian estate is
threatening legal action. Said an attorney representing Ms. Kardashian:
“This kind of non-lascivious invasion of privacy is
completely unacceptable. My client has an image to maintain, she has fellow
club-going celebutantes to impress and children to embarrass. The public dissemination
of pictures such as these raises the level of discourse and fails to demean us
all. What’s next, Miley Cyrus in a business suit? And not a ‘sexy’ business
suit, but one a real woman might wear to an office executive job? No one needs
to see that.”
So far the source of the leak has not been found, but the
investigation, led by private detectives hired by TMZ and FOX News, is ongoing.
More news on this terrifying story as it develops.
