Five Forgotten Awesome Legion of Super Heroes Characters

Here are five characters from the Legion of Super Heroes history that everyone seems to have forgotten about. For each one, I'll tell you a little bit about the character, and then tell you why they were AWESOME.

Duplicate Boy:

Duplicate Boy was Ord Quelu, one of a group of super heroes from the planet Lallor who got their powers from cosmic radiation or some such. As a result, Duplicate Boy could duplicate the powers of any super hero he saw. His superheroing ways eventually resulted in crossing paths whith the Legion, and for awhile, he was Shrinking Violet's love interest.

Why Duplicate Boy Was Awesome:

What was great about Duplicate Boy was that he was dumb as a fucking post. I mean it. The guy was a moron. At one point, he confronted Shrinking Violet for resuming a romantic relationship with Colossal Boy. When he discovered that in fact, the woman in question was someone impersonating Shrinking Violet, he left, satisfied. IT NEVER OCCURRED to him to wonder what had happened to the original Shrinking Violet (who had in fact, been kidapped).
Here's the kicker. Duplicate Boy's powers weren't that he could duplicate the powers of other super heroes at all. Duplicate Boy could have ANY POWER he could think of. He just didn't have any imagination.

Shvaughn Erin:

Shvaughn Erin was a member of the Science Police, the United Planets main law enforcement unit. She ultimately became the Legion's police liason and was extremely helpful to them on a number of occasions. Her involvement with Element Lad was one of the series' most storied romances.

Why Shvaughn Erin was Awesome:

Shvaughn was awesome because she managed to hold her own with a horde of men and women who could move worlds and do basically anything. Also, it eventually came out that Shvaughn was one of comics' first transsexuals, who had been using super advanced future medical technology (specifically, a drug called Pro-Fem), to make herself biologically female.

Ferro Lad:

Ferro Lad was Andrew Nolan, a mutant with a disfigured face who had the ability to transform himself entirely into iron. Andrew had a brother, Douglas, who did not become a super hero (one wonders what other avocations are available for a disfigured mutant who can turn into iron).

Why Ferro Lad was Awesome:

Ferro Lad may be the only character in comic book history to die and stay dead. Ferro Lad died when he flew a bomb into the heart of the Sun Eater, a very nasty apocalyptic super weapon that did exactly what you would expect it to. After that, Ferro Lad became the standard for super hero heroism ("Who can forget when Ferro Lad died saving us all from the Sun-Eater...").

Kid Psycho

Kid Psycho was Gnill Opral, who applied to the Legion of Super Heroes with his psychokinetic abilities, which he mostly used to create psychokinetic force fields. The Legionnaires all thought this power was super great, even though the way he used it it really wasn't any big deal.

Why Kid Psycho was Awesome:

One might wonder why someone named Gnill "Kid Psycho," suggesting he was some kind of lunatic, rather than say "Kid Psyche," or "Kid Psych." Even "Psycho Lad" doesn't sound as bad. However, the name seems a lot more appropriate when you discover that every time he used his powers, it cost Kid Psycho A YEAR OF HIS LIFE. Knowing this, the maladjusted Gnill decided to put himself in a situation where he would have to use his powers ALL THE TIME. Fortunately, the Legion had more sense then Gnill, and immediately moved him to reserve status.

Validus

Validus was Garridan Ranzz, the child of founding Legionnaires Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl. Darkseid kidnapped the child, sent him back in time, and mutated him into a horrible monster, in which form he would do battle with his parents time after time before he was even born. (One is forced to wonder about the wisdom of Darkseid's plan, If Validus was successful in defeating the Legion, wouldn't he prevent himself from ever being born?)

Why Validus Was Awesome:

Here's what was awesome about Validus. It wasn't that he was stronger than Superman or could shoot lightning bolts from his brain. It was that the Legion of Super Heroes were fucking TERRIFIED of him. Consider this. Validus was a member of the Fatal Five. Included in the Fatal Five (along with Tharok, an evil genius cyborg who could control Validus) were the following: The Emerald Empress, who controlled the Emerald Eye of Ekron, which was essentially the eye of a giant Green Lantern, chock full of Green Lantern energy which can effectively do anything the user can imagine, the Persuader, whose Atomic Axe could cut through anything (literally anything; A steel wall, a car, Superman's head, gravity {Im not making that up. It could cut through gravity}, anything), and Mano, whose black hand disintegrated anything it touched (again, anything. If Mano got to bitch slap Superman across the face, no more Superman's face). Despite all this, when the Legion heard the Fatal Five were on their way, it was VALIDUS that had them quaking. When describing a villain's supposedly awesome power levels, the phrase used would be "Tougher than Validus."
OK, there's some comic book trivia for you to enjoy. See you next month (maybe sooner).

Finalist!

Good news! I am a finalist in the Storyboard TV Pilot competition. The winner gets $5000, and more importantly, a possible development deal. There are three contestants left, and now it's in the hands of the screenwriting community. If any readers want to help me out, they can do so by going to StoryboardTV.com, registering, and looking for my script, Jen-16. If you think it's the best of the three, please vote for it by clicking "I would watch this." You might have to sign in and sign out after verifying your registration for your vote to count.

Thanks, and I'll keep everyone updated!

Finding LOST

SPOILER ALERT! If you have not yet seen the last episode of Lost, read no further (if you care about knowing what happens)

So the last episode of LOST has come and gone, and what have we learned? Well, we learned that the surviving Losties saved the island and closed Pandora's Box and made all well with the universe, and then died and went to a place where their plane never crashed and all their dreams came true. Or something like that. I guess its better than just cutting to black?

Truthfully, as finales go, I didn't think it was a bad one, and they did answer a pretty good helping of questions, considering how many they brought up. However, they still left some unanswered, as I gather was the intent. Here are a few of mine. They fall into two categories. The first are about the show in general, and I don't know that these questions went unanswered so much as I don't know the answers, so if anyone does, please feel free to chime in. The second group are about the "resolution." Here goes.

General Questions

Why did Kate get all the best lines in the finale?

This is not really a question so much as an observation. I particularly enjoyed "I saved you a bullet," and "Christian Shepard? Really?"

If Jacob couldn't leave the island, how did he visit all of the "candidates" pre-Oceanic 815 in order to, well, make them candidates, I guess?

I'm sure there is an answer to this one out there, but I'll be damned if I know what it is. Anyone?

Why did Jacob choose those individuals in the first place? And why did he assign them those particular numbers. And what did those numbers mean anyway?

I understand that the answers to these questions may be found on the Season 6 DVD. Maybe they need a couple more months to figure it out?

If you pulled the cork out of that wine bottle, the wine would spill out, and it wouldn't spill back in if you replaced the cork. Why did the "light" come back?

and...

Jacob supposedly brought people to the island as potential candidates. Why couldn't Richard replace him? If Jacob brought Oceanic 815 down, why did we see that it was a result of Desmond failing to punch in the numbers?

Again, it may be that these things were explained along the way, I just didn't catch it if they were.

I'm sure I could come up with more, but I am MUCH more interested in exploring the "Flash Sideways" resolution. Here are my questions on that:

OK, so the Flash Sideways is some kind of Limbo, gateway to Heaven, whatever, and they can all be there at the same time because everybody dies at some point, right? SO:

Flash Sideways Questions

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

Are we to understand that Aaron lives a full life to a ripe old age and dies, only to have to spend his initial time in the afterlife as a newborn baby because a bunch of his mom's friends would have liked it that way?


And what about Ji Yeon? When she dies, she has to go back to being a FETUS!!!

WHAT ABOUT HURLEY?

Everybody dies, right? Not Hurley. He's immortal. We must assume that at some point, somebody killed him. Wouldn't you think that would warrant some discussion with Ben beyond just "You were a great number two, you were a great number one?"

WHAT ABOUT BEN?

And what about Ben, for that matter? He has to wait outside, I guess because he was such a pill to the Losties most of the time. But why can't he have his tearful reunion with his father? Is there an "Others" church next door that he will be heading to?

WHAT ABOUT LETTING GO?

So my understanding is that the point of the Flash Sideways was that the dead Losties had to learn to let go before they could move on. That's why, for example, Locke had to agree to the surgery before he could move on. But what did, say, Sun and Jin let go of? Or Claire? Or Charlie? He had to be knocked out and dragged to the final "venue."

WHAT ABOUT CHARLIE?

Speaking of Charlie, he had kind of a crappy Limbo experience, didn't he? Everyone else kind of got their fantasy, but Charlie's first experience is choking on a bag of heroin! How is that fair?

I'm sure there's more, but that should be enough to get y'all started...

That Which Does not Kill You...

I'm doing a lot of editing lately, and I'm seeing a great deal of confusion over when to use "that" and when to use "which." I know this is a common issue, and it never used to bother me. In fact, I used to get confused too, but now that I don't, I don't want anyone else to either. So here's a simple mnemonic to help you get this right every time:

Which one? That 2?

What does it mean? Essentially it means that if there's only one of the thing in the first clause, you use which, and if there are two or more, you use that.

For example:

Jesus loves Mary Magdalene's home, which doubles as a whorehouse.

Mary Magdalene only has one home, hence you use which. "Which one"

Jesus hates the law that says he can't marry Peter.

There are many laws, certainly more than two, that Jesus could potentially hate, he hates this particular law out of many, hence, use that. "That 2"

By way of illustration, let's flip them. Let's say Mary Magdalene runs a real estate empire, and has houses all over Rome. Jesus in particular hates the Ranch style two family home near the countryside. So:

Jesus loves the Mary Magdalene place that doubles as a whorehouse, not the home near the countryside.

See? "That 2"

Meanwhile, Pontius Pilate, who believes the Jews hate our freedom and love same sex fornication, has enacted the "Sexual Freedom Law" which states that two men cannot get married. So:

Jesus hates the Sexual Freedom Law, which states that he cannot marry Peter.

See? There's only one Sexual Freedom law. "Which one."

So there you go. It's not perfect but it's good enough that I expect you to get this right every time from now on.

I Shouldn't Even Be Writing This Right Now...

It's been a crazy week. At the beginning of the week, I was informed that I won a Fellowship to the prestigious Writers Boot Camp program, with a development deal on the line. Of course, assignments, which I'll be getting every two weeks for the next six months, start immediately.

Yesterday, I found out that I was a semifinalist in the Storyboard TV Writing Competition. This time, a potential production deal is on the line. They requested a rewrite (in addition to a bunch of paperwork) by May 1st. Yeah, THAT May 1st. Like, tomorrow. Like, yeah, I found out yesterday.

Add to this the fact that I have a weird work situation which I won't get into here, but the bottom line is I have a bunch of catching up to do in that arena as well, plus I recently hired a script consultant who gave me a bunch more work for two weeks from now, and I find myself in a ridiculous workload/deadline situation.

I read once that being a writer is like having homework for the rest of your life. Seems that the teachers are piling it on this week.

Anyway, that's why the blogging is suffering (no excuse for why it was suffering, say, three weeks ago, but then, my stated policy is not to make excuses for not blogging).

Five Comic Book Series Where Superman is the Bad Guy

In my parents' generation, Superman was the be-all and end-all of superheroes. However, by the time I got to reading comic books, readership had gotten a little more sophisticated, and a lot of people realized that a hero who could do anything and couldn't really be hurt (except by the contrived use of Kryptonite, or a villain who was "even stronger" than Superman) was not that interesting.

Today, that generation is largely the one writing (and reading) comics, so the take on Superman has gotten a little different. In effect, a number of writers have realized that it's much more interesting if Superman is the bad guy. Not a temporary bad guy, like when Superman is under the effects of red kryptonite, but really a nearly all-powerful being of questionable morality. If you like your Superman evil, here are five guys you should definitely take a look at.

The Plutonian (Irredeemable; Mark Waid, Peter Krause)

In probably one of the best examples of the genre going today, Mark Waid explores the idea of the evil Superman with a character who didn't start out that way. That is, he was the same do-gooder Superman was, day in and day out, despite his growing umbrage at the complete lack of appreciation and feeling of being taken for granted by the citizens he protects. Until something really bad happened. After that bad thing, the Plutonian decided he might as well take the world for his own, destroying anything or anyone that got in his way, including, for example, the nation of Singapore, which he utterly destroys when they unite to resist him. What was the really bad thing? Can anyone stop the Plutonian? Check out Irredeemable.

The Homelander (The Boys; Garth Ennis, Darick Robertson)
Is the Homelander evil, or just supremely self-interested? In a world where virtually all superheroes are raging fonts of pure id, this Superman fits right in. He does lead a "Justice League" type group (The Seven) dedicated to saving humanity. On the other hand, that group is in the pocket of a mega-corporation, and he takes time out from his good deeds to, for example, force a young new female recruit to the group to perform oral sex on him, so he's pretty far from a "good" guy.

Hyperion (Supreme Power; J. Michael Straczynski, Gary Frank)


40 years ago, Roy Thomas and John Buscema created the Squadron Supreme, a group designed to be Marvel Comics' answer to the Justice League of America. Each JLA member had its Squadron alternate, with Hyperion, of course, being Superman. Ten years later, Mark Gruenwald reimagined this group with the revolutionary idea that a team of unbeatable superheroes would naturally decide it was appropriate for them to govern the world (this idea reached its apotheosis in the groundbreaking The Authority, by Warren Ellis). In the 21st century, J. Michael Stracyznski reimagined Hyperion again. In this incarnation, the U.S. government, seeing the unidentified object streaking through the sky, took the young alien away from "Jonathan and Martha" immediately, raising him from infancy to be a super weapon. Naturally, spending your life as a government tool gets grating after awhile, and as soon as Hyperion was old enough to know better, he set about using his Supreme Power to rule the world.

Ultraman (Earth-2; Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely)

While these others are merely imitations of Superman, Ultraman really IS Superman, the Superman of a parallel universe where good and evil are reversed, going back at least as far as Benedict Arnold heroically betraying the British for the cause of the United States. In Earth-2, it's a given that the supers run things, and the real conflict is between these godlike being themselves. The biggest conflict, naturally, is between Ultraman and his world's Batman counterpart, Owlman. The main point of contention? They're both sleeping with Wonder Woman (Superwoman, in this reality).

Omni-Man (Invincible; Robert Kirkman, Cory Walker)

Invincible tells the story of Mark Grayson, a seemingly charmed teenager whose father happens to be Earth's greatest hero. Things get better and better for Mark, as he develops his own nearly limitless super powers and gets a hot girlfriend to boot. Of course, this wouldn't be much of a story if things didn't go downhill, and they do in a big way, when Mark discovers that his father, Omni-Man, is no hero at all, but in fact the lead scout of an alien invasion force. Eventually, after fathering children with aliens from two different worlds he was supposed to conquer, Omni-Man seems to have a change of heart, but it may be too late.

So to repeat, if you like your Superman on the wrong side of the law, head to your local bookstore and check out one of these titles.

5 Lesser Known DC Comics Properties That Should Be Made into Movies

According to recent buzz, DC Comics is finally planning to give in and follow Marvel onto the big screen in a more expansive way. DC is ready to compete with Marvel in the Hollywood arena, preparing big screen versions of Green Lantern and Jonah Hex. I'm hoping they decide to follow Marvel's lead in throwing in some films featuring lesser known characters (e.g. Ghost Rider, Daredevil, etc.). Here are five lesser known D.C. properties I'd like to see made into major motion pictures.


Deadman



Deadman was the story of Boston Brand, a circus aerialist who was shot by an assassin in the middle of his routine. The ancient deity Rama Kushna took pity on Boston, and gave him the ability to roam the world as a ghost, righting wrongs as he searched for the man who shot him and the reason why. Since being a ghost in itself isn't much of a power, Boston had the ability to possess other human beings, using them as tools in his crusade to do good and find out the truth about his death.

I think Deadman would make a great movie. For one, it is a story with a beginning, a middle and an ending (with a twist, which I won't reveal here). For another, it is a very human story, and even as a ghost, Brand is subject to human weaknesses (one of the best conceits of the series was Brand's frustration trying to pull his aerialist moves in bodies that clearly weren't designed for them, i.e. your average, fat, out of shape American couch potato). In fact (surprise!) I'd be very willing to write the screenplay.

Swamp Thing



Now that the seal on Alan Moore properties has been completely torn off, it's time to make a Swamp Thing movie. Moore completely revolutionized mainstream comics with his take on ST, not as a man who has become a vegetable, but as a vegetable who thinks he is a man. It sounds silly on the page, but this story of a creature who comes to accept the loss of a humanity he never actually possessed is actually quite poignant.

Hawkworld



The origin of Hawkman has been put through several wringers leading up to the modern day, but the best interpretation has to have been Tim Truman and John Ostrander's, back in the late '80s early '90s. This series relied heavily on the idea of the Hawks as a pair of alien policemen, one of noble birth and one from the streets, and the politics of the planet Thanagar figured as heavily in the plots as your basic super hero doings, an idea that I think would work well for modern audiences.

Camelot 3000



Fans of Arthurian mythology and science fiction alike could get behind this limited series, which asked the question: What would happen if the Knights of the Round Table were reincarnated in the year 3000 to thwart an ancient evil? The answer: something very entertaining.

Firestorm
The ultimate attempt to bridge the generation gap, Firestorm was two men in one, teenage rebel Ronnie Raymond and stodgy science Professor Martin Stein, who were fused together in a nuclear explosion and forced to work as one to fight evil. This would be a great opportunity to pair an old favorite star with one of the new millenium's finest: Think Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad."

Arrivederci, Vancouver

Where have I been? I promised myself when I started this blog that I would never have one of those "sorry I haven't been posting" posts, so I say by way of explanation, not excuse, that I have been busy watching the Olympics. (Also, it's tax season, so financial services professional and faithful CHP reader Bill Saas has had less free time and therefore less reason to harrass me about not blogging).

I love the Winter Olympics. More so than the Summer Olympics. I love the speed. I love the crashes. I love how the United States is not guaranteed to win practically every event, so it's exciting when they do. I love seeing sporting activities that I only get to see every four years, like Biathlon and Snowboard Cross racing. I especially love it now that I have TiVo to whiz past the down time and the fluff pieces.

So, since I've been gone watching the Winter Olympics, here's my analysis, as they draw to a close:

The Thrill of Victory

As always, the Winter Olympics produced (or NBC produced, depending upon how you look at it), some great stories. For me, the best ones were the following:

Bode Miller:

In Turin, Alpine Skiing great Bode Miller was the Sports Illustrated golden boy. He was a World Cup monster, and was predicted to bring home a big haul of treasure for the United States. And he knew it. He played the obnoxious rockstar athlete to the hilt, and, to my personal satisfaction, completely crapped out in Turin, failing to medal at all.

Vancouver saw a new Bode Miller. He was humble. A family man. Someone who had clearly grown up. And karma rewarded him, with medals across the board, a Gold in Super Combined, a Silver in Super G and a Bronze in downhill.


Apolo Ohno:

It's hard not to like short track speed skater Apolo Ohno. He is clearly a guy who worked hard to turn his life around and was awarded with a whole slew of medals. In this, his last Olympics, everything seemed to fall his way, literally, as in races where he looked as if he would fail to medal, last second slips or crashes by other racers paved the way for Ohno to reach the podium. Even in his final indvidual race, the 500m, Ohno made it to the final by dodging racers who obligingly crashed out to clear him a path. He even crossed the line second in that final for a potential silver, but was disqualified in a controversial ruling. He did not let this dampen his spirits, however, as he put it together one last time to help America medal in the team relay event.

The Agony of Defeat

Of course, without stories of disappointment, there are no stories of redemption and glory. Here are a couple of the most moving stories of athletes falling short in this year's games:

Sven Kramer

Probably the most tragic story of these games was that of Sven Kramer. 23 year old Kramer is a long track speed skater and a virtual rock star in the Netherlands, a country as crazy for speed skating as Canada is for hockey. He is far and away the best long track speed skater in the world and took the 5000 meters gold easily, to the apoplectic joy of Dutch fans. This would be followed by tragedy, however, as Kramer went for gold in the 10,000 meter, a race for which he has no peer. Although crossing the finish line in record time a full six seconds ahead, an eternity in racing terms, Kramer was disqualified, as his coach directed him into the WRONG LANE eight laps before the end of the race. Through no fault of his own, Kramer ended up with nothing in the race he was born to win and Kramer's feeling of disappointment and betrayal was palpable.

Women's Giant Slalom (Vonn/Mancuso)



Lindsey Vonn was to Vancouver as Bode Miller was to Turin, without the attitude. She was the great Amercan hope for skiing in these Olympics. She delivered, with the first American woman's gold in the Downhill event, and a bronze medal in another discipline to go with it. A great result, although the American public was probably set up to expect more. Julia Mancuso was the "other" American skier, constantly in Vonn's shadow. With all eyes on Vonn, Mancuso collected silver medals in the Downhill and Combined events.

Nowhere was the idea of Mancuso in Vonn's shadow more ironically and tragically played out than in the Giant Slalom event. Mancuso had been the upset winner in this event in 2006, and a win here would really cement her status as an Olympic champion in her own right. In a bizarre twist of fate, Mancuso was scheduled to ski immediately following Vonn.

A little more than halfway through her run, Vonn crashed, breaking her finger and finding herself stuck on the course. For some inexplicable reason, race officials sent Mancuso on her run while Vonn was still racing, so Mancuso found herself speeding down the mountain with Vonn still crashed on the course. While Vonn was off to the side and would not have made contact with Mancuso unless she also crashed, officials decided at the last minute to flag Mancuso down and cancel her run. Distraught, she trudged back up the hill to start over, but, no doubt distracted by the strange situation, finished 1.3 seconds behind in the first run, and failed to medal.



As I write, the games are not quite over, and there are still some stories to be written; the U.S. has a chance to win for both men and women in the relatively new Speed Skating Team Pursuit, an event in which both teams were heavy underdogs, and most notably, the U.S. Canada Men's hockey final is yet to be played. And of course, there are many stories I did not even touch on. If this all sounds interesting and you're sorry you missed it, I don't blame you. Never fear though, thanks to the wisdom of the IOC in staggering Olympics, there should be a bunch more great stories to enjoy in two years at the Summer Games in London.

Disgracing the Ace

A few months ago I wrote a blog to sing the praises of a new poker show on NBC, Face the Ace. Now, having seen several episodes of the show, I am writing to apologize.

The show appealed to me because I expected to see some everyman poker players, and some fun stories. I have seen neither. Frankly, my favorite part of the show is guessing the pro from his/her introduction, in which I'm batting 1000.

The parade of cocky 20 (and 30 and 40) somethings that I feared quickly arrived. Typically the level of cockiness varied inversely with the level of success, which was nice. However, the coversations between the pros and the amateurs is unbearable. Either it's blatant hero worship or blatant self-promotion. I found myself fast forwarding through as much of the chatter as possible.

There's little interesting about the matches. It seems the two players trade pots until the amateur decides he has a pre-flop hand good enough to go all in with, and if the pro has any ace, king or pair, he figures "what the hell, there's a big game developing at the Bellagio" and calls.

Steven Schirripa, whose "timid mouse inside a fearsome lion's body" act worked brilliantly in the Sopranos, is clearly suffering in his role as host. He is obviously not comfortable without a script to work from, and it shows. Often, his contributions are of the "So what do you think?" and "So what's gong on here?" variety. Not exactly what I'm looking for in a host. Ali Nejad's appearances to announce blind raises is a rather random intrusion as well.

Finally, way too many of the contestants are quitting after the first win. In addition to being a mathematically atrocious choice, it doesn't make for very good television.

Anyway, the public was right, I was wrong. Sorry about this one.

The Human Target

There's a new series on FOX called The Human Target. I will tell you right out of the gate that I was prepared to hate this show for a number of reasons. First of all, as a kid, I was a fan of the original Human Target:

And I was quite sure that FOX was going to screw it up (the "Coming soon to ABC-TV!" banner on the above comic refers to a short-lived Human Target series on ABC back in 1992 starring Rick Springfield, which I actually kind of liked).

The original premise was that the mysterious Christopher Chance, a James Bond-type, would serve as a bodyguard, not in the conventional way, but using his disguise skills to actually take the place of the intended victim, drawing the assassin out. When I heard that Mark Valley's Human Target would instead use the intended victim as bait and put himself in harm's way, I was already skeptical.

I was also getting quite sick of this guy:

Mark Valley, who you will recognize most recently from the FOX X-Files knockoff Fringe. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with Valley personally, or even with his acting. What I'm really tired of is the blond, square jawed, 40-something, slightly goofy sci-fi/comic book hero, who you can also see in Eureka in the form of Colin Ferugson:

and in The 4400 and V in the form of Joel Gretsch:

Am I supposed to identify with these guys?

Anyway, so I watched the premiere, all set to give a scathing review about trite reimaginings of great concepts.

Ladies and gentlemen, I LOVED it. First of all, as action-adventure pilots go, I did not find that the plot was particularly predictable or cliched, which was incredibly refreshing. Secondly, I thought Mark Valley did a fine job, and his decision to be close to his target rather than actually become the target actually made sense. Next, and perhaps more importantly, it co-starred this guy:

Whom people my age will remember as the brash Kelly Leak from the original Bad News Bears, and more recent readers will remember from his absolutely brilliant turn as Rorscach in the movie Watchmen. The character Guerrero that Jackie Earle Haley plays in the Human Target is somewhere in between, a guy who doesn't look like much, but you just know could kill you if he wanted to. You're afraid of him and you don't quite know why. This type of character is possibly my favorite in all of fiction, and Haley is perfect for him.

Finally, and equally important, is Mark Valley's Christopher Chance. To my surprise, he was neither a douchebag nor an intolerable goofball. I'm all for a good anti-hero: I love seeing House put it to his hapless team and patients every week. But it was about time for a protagonist who has his shit together (relatively speaking) and is just a good guy. That's who Christopher Chance is. Chance is a callback to old school action heroes like the A-Team's Hannibal Smith and Mission Impossible's Jim Phelps. He's cool without being an asshole, and I dig it.

Anyway, watch The Human Target. If the episodes that follow are anything like the pilot (and you like this sort of thing), it'll definitely be worth your while.

J-E-T-S...

Well will you look at this. Who would have thought it. The New York Football Jets are one game away from the Super Bowl, for the first time since 1998. It seems surreal, like some kind of dream.

The nice thing about the Jets is that they really are a team.

The only real breakout superstar is Darelle Revis. You could argue for anybody on the offensive line as well, but that’s the point. It’s ALL the guys on the offensive line, Faneca, Ferguson, Mangold, etc. who are playing at a higher level, not to mention the way the defensive line stepped up after losing Kris Jenkins for the season.

ROAD TO THE SUPER BOWL?

Will the Jets make it to the Super Bowl? Will they win it? Despite Rex Ryan’s protestations to the contrary, I still think the Jets have to be the underdog all the way. But are they capable of winning it all? Absolutely. The Jets defense has a reputation of being able to shut down high-powered offenses, and that’s what they’ll be facing the rest of the way. And if the Jets beat the Colts, in a repeat of Super Bowl III, they can quiet all the sour grapes fans complaining that the Bengals and Colts laid down to the Jets at the end of the season to make their playoff road easier. Seems the Jets had something to say about that.

BUT WHAT OF SANCHEZ??

For those who would argue that a rookie quarterback like Mark Sanchez could never make it to the Super Bowl, let alone win it, I’d like to remind us all of some other questionable quarterbacks who wear Super Bowl rings. Such unforgettable names as Trent Dilfer of the 2001 Champion Baltimore Ravens. Mark Rypien of the 1992 Champion Washington Redskins. Brad Johnson of the 2002 Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jeff Hostetler of the 1991 New York Giants. Can Mark Sanchez’ name fit in with such distinguished company? Oh yes, I think it can.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!

Goodbye, Aughts

On the final day of the decade, I thought I'd write a little blog looking back on the major events of the '00s, contrasted with events in my own life. I should note that most scholars believe that the new decade actually begins on January 1, 2011, because there is no year 0 A.D., the first decade started with 1 A.D. and ended at the end of 10 A.D., and so on. But who says there was no year 0? Who was even counting back then? Just because we don't assign any historical events to that date doesn't mean it didn't happen! Maybe it was a slow year! Maybe that's why they called it year zero!

Anyway, on to the remembrances:

2000: The Republican party steals the Presidential election for George W. Bush, in an escapade that put the Watergate burglars to shame. In response, I decide to leave the country. Since these are the days before GPS, I will end up in California rather than Canada.

2001: The Twin Towers are destroyed by terrorists. Realizing we all have to do our part to band together in this time of crisis, I immediately join a graduate professional screenwriting program at USC.

2002: The New England Patriots replace Drew Bledsoe with a young upstart from Michigan named Thomas Brady and upset the St. Louis Rams to win the Super Bowl. Realizing that nothing in life makes sense anymore, I turn to female companionship for comfort and solace and start dating Elizabeth Saas, a relationship that I am hoping has outlived the Patriots' dynasty.

2003: The Human Genome Project is completed. I graduate with a professional screenwriting degree. While both events were greeted with great hope and celebration, neither has yet to produce any discernible results.

2004: Pamela Anderson once more poses for Playboy. I begin teaching her son Dylan chess to give his life some balance.

2005: A phenomenal year for me, as I win one screenwriting contest, come in second in a bigger one, and find myself runner up to Men "The Master" Nguyen in a Legends of Poker preliminary event. I assume this is presaging great things to come. I am wrong, at least in the short term. I should have guessed there would be trouble when the Pope was succeeded by former Nazi Joseph Ratzenberger.

2006: Google buys YouTube. I respond by creating this blog. My first two posts are about liking the Da Vinci Code without shame and the trials of querying agents and producers.

2007: I finally get my first real agent. The Writers Guild immediately goes on strike, shutting down all production and any hope of getting work in Hollywood.

2008: My contract with my agent expires. A month later the WGA strike is resolved.

2009: Michael Jackson dies. I am selected as a finalist in the FilmStream Screenplay competition. As one history-making career ends, another is about to begin.

Bring on 2010!

Catching a Tiger by His Tail

First, a little bit of business. I'd like to call your attention to the new "Follow" links that should be on top and to the side of the page. If you have a Google account, these buttons seem to provide a quick and easy way to follow this blog, so there's that. Also, I've added "The Oatmeal" to my blogroll. The Oatmeal is a hysterical site created by web designer Matthew Inman which includes some gut busting cartoons and fun quizzes and you should check it out. Finally, happy birthday to my friend and loyal CraigsHappyPlace reader Bill Saas, who turns 21 today or something.

Anyway, on to the good stuff. Tiger Woods. Oh, Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. Multiple allegations of the world's greatest golfer's infidelity have emerged, and while some may be bogus, voicemails, texts and the golfer's own admissions reveal that some are in fact true. Tiger's been steppin out on his wife. For awhile. This has become the top sports story of the year, without question. But why? As my girlfriend pointed out, it's not like a professional athlete never cheated on his wife before.

This is true. However, there are a lot of things that make this particular story very special.

First of all, Tiger Woods is not a professional athlete. He is THE professional athlete when it comes to golf. His name is synonymous with golf. He is what Michael Jordan is to basketball, what Roger Federer is to tennis, what Wayne Gretsky is to hockey. In the eyes of many, these men are perfect. Infalible. So when they stray, when they give us something that reveals to us that they are indeed human, too, we cannot look away.

Secondly, golf is an individual sport. When a football player is accused of a crime, his teammates often rally around him. In golf, everyone else (other than the sponsors) is Tiger's enemy. If he gets into trouble, there's nowhere to hide.

Thirdly, Tiger is someone with a pristine image in a sport with a pristine image. The whiter the cloth, the better the dirt shows up.

Additionally, we seem to have gotten lucky. If not for this car accident on Thanskgiving, none of this ever would have come out. For whatever reason, before the allegations surfaced, all of these women were willing to keep Tiger's secret. Then when the first one talked, they fell like dominoes (It's quite amazing to see the reaction of attractive, greedy young women to the scent of money. It's like blood in the water for sharks, literally stirring them into a frenzy). Now that we know, we have to know more. Everyone loves to be in on a good secret.

So, knowing why the Tiger story is so big, let's look at some of the interesting reactions to it. Here are some of the top questions that the public and the media have had about Tiger's Trysts:

1. How come Tiger gets with so many white girls?

It seems that while not as fair-skinned as his Nordic bride, the girls Tiger is cheating with are mostly white, or at least, don't reflect a lot of ethnic diversity. Now, cheating is cheating, and Tiger is obviously going to cheat with whoever he finds most attractive, but this little fact may lose him some sympathy among minority fans. We don't know what it means anyway. Are white women objectively more attractive, or just objectively sluttier? Or perhaps these were the only women he could get into the Golf Clubs as guests.

2. Waitaminute! Tiger's wife is hot! WTF??

This just goes back to the old saying: You show me a drop-dead gorgeous woman, I'll show you a guy who's tired of f***ing her. Many of us look at Elin Nordegren and wonder how Tiger could possibly not be satisfied, but that's because we can't have her. There's nothing so attractive as what is new. Man is never satisfied. That is what has allowed him to achieve so much.

3. How could that woman release that voicemail? She's a homewrecking whore! That poor family!

I actually heard a woman say something to this effect on talk radio, which I think is a sad commentary on the state of feminism in this country. However you feel about adultery (which if you are one of these anti-gay marriage fanatics, I assume you would like a law passed against it), there's no question who is at fault for damaging this family. That's on Tiger, and no one else. He played, and he's got to pay. These women didn't take any vows.

4. How could Tiger betray us like this?

OK, Tiger Woods doesn't owe you a damn thing except great golf. If you had an image of Tiger that has been shattered, that's on you, not him. It's unfortunate, but people are human and make mistakes, especially people who grow up with the entitlement that professional athletes do. If you want to reduce your chances of being disappointed, make someone like Judah Folkman or Muhammad Yunus your idol.

Well, that's it for now. See you at the next celebrity scandal!