Ok, it’s that time of year, the increasingly less-accurately named Annual Super Bowl Wrapup! So without further ado, here we go…
The Game:
You couldn’t have asked for a better game. (Well, I could
have, but I hate the Patriots.) You had lead changes, miraculous catches, gutsy
comebacks, a game that went right down to the wire, and of course, controversy.
The two best teams played, and they looked like the two best teams out there on
the field. You had previously unsung stars like Chris “Hardball” Matthews
finding the right time to shine, and a last second whiff of nightmare as it
seemed the Patriots might be felled in the Super Bowl by yet another impossible
catch. No arguments with the game. Of course, there was that last play. But we’ll
get to that after….
The Commercials:
The Super Bowl commercial has in many ways gone the way of
the Saturday Morning Cartoon. In a 21st century world where no one
has to wait for anything, the anticipation is gone. You could have watched most
of these commercials a week before the game on YouTube. That being said, this
year, the ad agencies managed to create a weird zeitgeist where so many of the
commercials were so somber and depressing, it made McDonalds look like a
Beautiful Paradise, the last remaining bastion of love and hope, which, hey,
good on you, Mickey D.
Of course, the most horrifying example of this was
Nationwide Insurance’s Dead Kid commercial. Here we get to see all of the
delightful growing up experiences that one child will never enjoy. Why? BECAUSE
HE’S DEAD! ENJOY YOUR SUPER BOWL, BITCHES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Really, Nationwide? Between this and invisible Mindy Kaling,
it seems like someone decided the best way to sell insurance was to hire M.
Night Shyamalan to direct your Super Bowl campaign. WHY? WHY? Between insurance
sales being boring or horrifying, I think I’ll take boring. At least, during
the Super Bowl. Save that shit for your American Horror Story spots.
The Play:
3 feet from the end zone, seconds left to play, victory in
their grasp, and they call a quick slant pass. Truly abysmal. You’ve got the
toughest back in football in Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch. Everyone in America
knew you needed to put the ball in this guy’s hand. Everyone but Seattle’s
offensive coordinator, it would seem.
Some may argue that that’s what the Patriots were expecting,
so Seattle decided to mix it up with an aggressive strategy that’s worked for
them before. First of all, they were expecting it because it would have WORKED.
Sometimes the best move is the best move even if they know it’s coming. Second,
if you’re going to mix it up, how about a fake to Lynch and a bootleg by
Wilson, or have a tight end try to get separation and toss it in the back of
the end zone? Throwing it right into the middle where all those guys who you
KNOW are going to be there trying to stop that run are waiting is just stupid,
sorry. Anything can happen. The receiver could get tripped up or blocked. The ball
could bounce off a lineman’s shoulder and be up for grabs. The ball could be
thrown too hard and end up in a defender’s bread basket. There’s no margin for
error, no time to adjust, and so much can go wrong. WHY? WHY? Was Seattle’s
Offensive Coordinator haunted by ghost children? Was he invisible and unable to
call the right play? WHY?
The Halftime Show:
I’m not afraid to say it. I think Katy Perry is the bomb.
She’s smart, pretty, and talented, what’s the problem? Some people say she
presents an unrealistic image of women, a girl who is mother and child at the
same time, and that her act is only appropriate for teenage girls and not a
worldwide stage. Are you kidding me? I don’t care what anyone says, dancing
sharks and riding a giant lion through a football stadium dressed like a flaming Cheeto is freaking awesome
no matter how old you are. And to those of you who don’t think Katy Perry is
talented, you try singing (or lip synching) when strapped to a rickety harness
attached to the PSA Star. I dare you.
All right, that about wraps it up. See you next year, and
may all your balls be properly inflated!
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