Sunday, October 02, 2016

How Subway Ruined the Lives of Two Innocent People Forever

If you watch football on Sundays, or probably if you watch any network television, you have almost certainly been subjected to this commerical numerous times. No doubt Subway feels that repetition is the best way to ingrain their desired result in your memory, namely, that any day is a great day to go to Subway. However, their plan has backfired, because, like Bill Murray's long suffering Phil Connors in Groundhog Day, I have lived the unceasing Hell of this commerical so many times, I have finally uncovered what a true nightmare play is really unfolding.

Take a minute to watch the commercial and refresh yourself. I'll wait.

Okay, the first thing you have to realize is that this is the same couple going through different stages of their life, all of which have Subway sandwiches as a crucial element. It took me about five or ten watchings to realize that this was one evolving couple and not three different freakish couples who are obssessed with Subway sandwiches.

So, now that we know the story, what we are watching seems clear. This is a sweet story of how two people found each other through their shared love of Subway sandwiches; meeting, getting married, and ultimately starting a family whose scion is named after one of the sandwiches they love so dearly and the (according to Subway) corresponding day of the week.

Only look a little more closely, as I have after having seen this commerical thousands of times and being forced to scrutinize every terrifying detail.

Look at the face of the male character, whom I will call "NJ" for "Not Jared." It should be clear that when the young lady, whom I will call "CSL" for "Crazy Subway Lady," suggests a second date on Black Forest Ham day, that NJ does not know WHAT THE FUCK SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. However, like any red blooded nerdy teenager when faced with the possibility of a second date with a hot girl, he plays along.

We've seen numerous stories of a young man trying to impress a girl by convincing her that they share interests ("Oh, you collect vintage knitting needles too? What a crazy coincidence! I have to go log on to eBay now for a totally unrelated matter!"). So there is no question that this guy, realizing that he's never going to do better than CSL, went home and memorized the Subway Menu, possibly gorging himself on their sandwiches all week to become accustomed to the taste.

Flash forward to a time when Subway has not changed their marketing campaign for several years and still matches specific sandwiches with days of the week. Here we see, NJ looking at his wedding album with pride, reminding us of that amazing June day when all his dreams came true. Naturally, CSL is quick to remind us it was "Tuna Day." Watch NJ grimace as he remembers that he invited 200 friends and relatives to an affair which was catered not with your choice of steak or chicken, but with $3.50 tuna sandwiches on bread that may or may not have been made from ammonia by-products.

Finally, we see the happy couple with their new baby "Teri," Who do you think named this poor child? I promise you it's not NJ, who grudgingly echoes that his beloved offspring was named after a goddamn sandwich.

As should now be obvious, this family's entire relationship is based on lies. NJ clearly loves CSL, but CSL only loves her sweet, sweet, Subway sandwiches. I can just see their lives unfolding, NJ sneaking out to Quiznos just to get CSL's attention, which just drives CSL further into the arms of Tuna, Black Forest Ham and the rest, exacerbating the most bizarre eating disorder in the history of man and no doubt necessitating thousands of hours of therapy for their poor child Teriyaki.

Now, I'll admit, this campaign has a big edge over Subway's old "Eat our sandwiches, lose a bunch of weight and have sex with children," effort, but it's not much less likely to make me wake up in a cold sweat wondering what other horrors Subway has in store.

I'm not making any commentary about the quality of Subway's product (my understanding is that the Ammonia thing has been taken care of), however, their marketing strategists have a disturbing view of how relationships and food fit together.

Eat Fresh? More like EAT FRESH HELL!

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