What Is Humor?

I was watching a recent episode of the Big Bang Theory where Sheldon attempts to create a unified theory of humor. The joke in this idea comes from the fact that Sheldon has little to no concept of humor or sarcasm. Inherent also, however, is the implication that humor is just “what’s funny,” and can’t be quantified. However this is completely untrue.

Humor of all kinds can be boiled down into one simple concept: Subversion of Expectations. That is the essence of humor. A joke or a funny situation sets up a given expectation with its premise, and subverts that expectation with its punch line. For example, take the following joke: (Note: To see the joke answers, please highlight the area next to the A:)

Q: What’s worse than two hangnails on the same hand?

A: The Holocaust.

We’re given an expectation that the answer will be of a similar degree to the question. We would expect an answer like: a hangnail on each hand, or three hangnails on one hand.  But the true answer is completely out of proportion to the question. Thus we are surprised, and we laugh.

Maybe.

This particular joke is complicated by the fact that it is completely bereft of cultural sensitivity. Thus, if you are connected to the culture of the answer, you may find it offensive, rather than funny. Or you may find it funny, but feel guilty. However, this guilt and discomfort is also a part of humor. The famous line “Comedy equals Tragedy plus time” has its basis in truth. We laugh to protect ourselves from our existential terror, the so called “Morbid humor,” but when a tragic event is far enough away that we can assuage ourselves by parodying it varies depending upon the event and the audience. And, as a friend of mine once said: “Every joke is at someone’s expense.” 

Note that humor comes from subversion of expectations, not destruction of expectations. For example.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To use a washing machine.

To be sure, this is not the answer we expected, but it’s also not one we could have arrived at by any permutation of logic, so it’s not funny. The true answer to this joke, “To get to the other side,” is also not funny, but only because every child has heard the punch line, so this answer meets expectations. If you had never heard the joke before, you would expect a more deterministic reason for the chicken to cross the road, so the simple answer “to get to the other side,” would be surprising and funny. It’s a diminishing of expectations, the opposite of the humorous technique in the first joke. The point however, is that it’s an answer that can make sense in the right context, even if it’s one we didn’t expect.

Jokes can also use subversion of expectations to build an increasingly complex network of humor, setting up new expectations with the first subversion, and then subverting the new expectations, as in the famous “Monkey Routine.”

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Subversion of expectations. The answer makes sense, but it is the most out of proportion of all the possible answers.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Monkey see, Monkey do.

Our expectations are subverted once more. We expect an extreme answer and get a simple one.

Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Peer Pressure.

By this point, our expectations are so tangled we don’t know what to expect, and so an answer that is neither simple, nor extreme, but still meets the parameters of the joke, that it is unexpected and can still be arrived at logically (even though it almost certainly never would) is perhaps the funniest of all.

This joke also observes the Rule of Three, which states, for reasons too complicated to go into here, that no more or less than three permutations of the same joke provide maximum humor. You will find that sitcoms that employ runners, or a joke that repeats, will generally do it no more than three times: the first to establish the joke, the second to establish that it is a running gag, and the third to finish off the joke before it becomes expected. The idea of a runner, or a stand up comedian’s “callback,” both follow the idea of subverted expectations. We expect that the joke is over, so when it returns later and somewhat out of context, we are surprised and amused.

What about something like slapstick? When we see our clown walking carelessly towards the banana peel, we know exactly what is going to happen. He’s going to slip and fall. It’s exactly what we expect, and yet we laugh. Why? In this case, it is our visual expectation that is subverted. That is, every day, we see people walking down the street. It’s very mundane and boring. When someone suddenly stops that activity, goes flying, and takes a tumble, it subverts our visual expectation, if not our cognitive one. As Krusty the Clown once remarked regarding the “pie in the face” gag, “It only works if the schmuck has some dignity to begin with!” We know the pie is going into a face, what’s funny is the subversion of our typical visual experience that a dignified person won’t appear with a face full of pie.

I believe if you analyze any kind of humor, be it slapstick, political satire, joke, situation comedy or standup routine, you will find that at its heart lies the subversion of expectations. If your joke isn’t getting a laugh, you probably haven’t set up the expectation well enough or subverted it effectively. Take my Blog….

….PLEASE!

Happy Mark Sanchez Day!

And from this day forward, March 21st will be known as Mark Sanchez Day. And there will be much rejoicing and good cheer. And possibly presents.

And we will use this day to remember the Five Commandments of drafting quarterbacks:

1. Thou shalt remember that the Pac-12 in general and USC in particular has always made quarterbacks look much better than they really are, and thou shalt no longer be seduced into the belief that players like Todd Marinovich, Matt Leinart and of course, Mark Sanchez have any place in the NFL, no matter how highly they are touted in college.

2. Having failed to follow Commandment One, thou shalt not compound thy mistake by offering that terrible quarterback a ridiculously bloated and long term contract, tying your team’s fortunes to failure for much longer than necessary.

3. No matter how good thy quarterback looks eating a hot dog, wearing a woman’s hairstyle, or posing for GQ, thou shalt not be fooled into thinking he has a “winning attitude,” and better days are just around the corner.

4. Thou shalt not abide a head coach who falls so head over heels in love with said quarterback that he tattoos said quarterback’s image onto his wife. Such a head coach will be discharged immediately.

5. Thou shalt always remember these commandments and this day, and keep it Holy.

Happy Mark Sanchez Day everybody!

Arrivederci, Sochi

Here it is, my somewhat delayed, doubtless long awaited, biannual Olympics report! Here you’ll find my analysis of some of the best stories of the Sochi games! So, without further ado….

1. The Venue

Sochi was the story before the games had even begun. We westerners have always had the same view of Russia since the Stalin-era, that of a cold, dreary, bleak place, with men in fur hats and women in babushkas lined up around the block in the snow hoping to get their daily ration of bread, toilet paper or vodka. I’ve been to Russia, and it’s changed a lot since those days, but you wouldn’t know it from the first reports out of Sochi. Tales of warnings against drinking tainted water, malfunctioning or missing toilets, beds, or other amenities in local hotels, and so forth blanketed the social mediaverse.

Once the games started though, it seems that things were not so bad. Even a slight malfunction in the opening ceremonies was quickly forgotten and even played for laughs at the closing. Few complaints were heard once the games began in earnest, and most importantly, the games went off without a hitch. No attack by Chechnyan rebels, no bomb threats, no disappearing athletes—not even that many doping or cheating scandals. And it’s not like there wasn’t plenty of unrest that could have led to political uprising (Crimea, anyone?), so, whatever you think of Vlad Putin, you have to give him SOME credit—he pulled it off.

2. The Ukrainian Women’s Biathlon Team

Speaking of the Crimea situation, props have to go out to the Ukrainian Women’s biathlon team. Amidst massive unrest in their country, with the threat of the former motherland’s aggression looming over them, these four women, Olena Pidhrushna, Vali Semerenko, Vita Semernko, and Juliya Dzhyma bore down and collected the second Winter Olympics gold medal in Ukrainian history. Instead of turning their guns against Russian oppressors, they turned them on dime-sized targets and won gold in the 4x6K biathlon relay, striking a blow for national pride in the heart of the country that seems to be threatening it the most.

3. Speed Skating-Dutch Treat, American Horror Story

The Dutch have been known for speed skating for some time, but their dominance truly reached fruition in these games. The Dutch men won everything but the 1500m, where they came in second, but where their women picked up the slack, sweeping their version of the race.  One of their women even picked up an extra medal in short track for good measure. Speed skating ended up comprising the entire Dutch medal haul from Sochi, which was just fine, since they collected eight gold, seven silver, and nine bronze, putting them near the top of the medal leader board. In contrast, the fairly well-funded and highly touted men’s team, led by Shani Davis, collected….none. (One if you count their lone silver in short track). Some are blaming the USA uniforms, which were specially designed for Sochi with a vent in the back that was supposed to improve the aerodynamics, but probably should have been tested more extensively before being put into use in the most important competition in four years. Regardless, the Dutch have come a long way since Vancouver, when an embarrassing error by a Dutch coach caused their star Sven Kramer to lose his premier event (chronicled in my Vancouver recap). This year’s Dutch embarrassment was provided by Coach Jillert Anema, whose anti-American rant seemed to overlook the fact that outside of speed skating, the U.S. performance put the Dutch to shame.

4. Satisfied Countries

Although things didn’t go as expected for everybody, especially the U.S, which saw Shaun White fail to live up to his hype, the men’s hockey team flame out, and the aforementioned speed skating team crumble, there was something for almost everybody to be proud of. The Russians didn’t dominate cross country as they had hoped, but they did live up to expectations as the host country and take home the biggest medal haul. The Dutch, as mentioned, crushed speed skating, their national sport, and Canada maintained their national pride too, winning Hockey and Curling in both the men’s and women’s divisions. And, never fear, the U.S. took home plenty of medals as well, in freestyle skiing and snowboarding, alpine skiing and more. And by the way, did anyone miss Lindsey Vonn?

All in all a successful Olympics I think, and plenty to look forward to in Rio in two years.

In Which the Sandman Returns; and Matters of Interest to Lunatics Are Discussed.

As I’m sure is true for almost any comic book fan of any longevity, I responded to news of a new Sandman series, with unfettered delight. No “Before Watchmen” this, no ghoulish exhumation of a completed story best left to rest (although that turned out better than anyone could have hoped for, I think). Nor did we need to expect comparisons to an aging rocker, hoarsely belting out classic hits to middle aged moms and dads reliving their youths. For this Sandman series would be penned by its original creator, Neil Gaiman, who by all appearances is at the height of his powers, having continued to produce quality work consistently since the tale of Dream of the Endless first ensured Gaiman's place among the Pantheon of Comic Book Gods such as Moore and Miller twenty-five years ago. We have every reason to expect that this new Sandman series will be everything we could have hoped for.

Having just read issue number one of The Sandman: Overture, I feel confident in saying no one will be disappointed. The story picks up just where the original series left off… and just where it began, in true Endless fashion. All our favorites seem to be in play, including Death, the Corinthian, and of course, Morpheus himself.

No spoilers here, I’ll only say the story opens with a reminder that there are truly infinite worlds and infinite stories to tell, and the first chapter closes by reinforcing that fact in what may be described as a fairly staggering way. Although I didn't do this myself, too eager to get to the new story, I suspect an evening or two dedicated to re-reading the original series in its entirety before digging into this fresh tale will be quite rewarding. In any event, if you are a fan of comic books, Gaiman, or literature, there’s no question this series is not to be missed.

While picking up Sandman, I also stumbled upon the latest offering by Jonathan Luna and Sarah Vaughn, entitled simply, as is the Luna wont, “Alex + Ada.”  Luna, of Luna Brothers fame, has been co-creator of such unforgettable works as Girls and The Sword, and his artistic style has a kind of haunting realism that is perfect for the type of stories he chooses to tell. “Alex + Ada” is no exception in this regard. The premise is hardly original; it’s probably one of the most classic science fiction tales: In a world where technology has advanced to the level where Artificial Intelligence and robotics are the order of the day, a lonely soul is presented with a robot clearly designed for companionship purposes and all that implies.

Although the scenario is familiar, there is something about Luna and Vaughn’s approach to the story that makes it feel entirely new. There’s that artwork of course, and hauntingly lifelike is naturally perfect for a story about android love. There’s the fact that Alex, although pining away for his lost girlfriend Claire and seemingly despondent, is an unwilling participant in the experiment, his robot having been a gift from a wealthy and well-meaning grandmother. There’s also a foreboding sense of doom foreshadowed by a news report of Artificial Intelligence run amok with disastrous consequences a year before. Little is revealed in the first issue, but it’s more than enough to have you wanting to learn more about Alex, his strong connections to the technology that no longer seems that far beyond our own, and what his relationship with his new potential robot paramour will be.

In my estimation, if you’re looking to get into comics, back into comics, or just add two new quality books to your lineup, these two are a great place to start.

Top Ten Rejected Choose Your Own Adventure Titles

Choose Your Own Adventure books were a popular series of books in the 80s and 90s as one of the first mass media examples of interactive role-playing games, long before RPG games like Skyrim and World of Warcraft were even an inkling of a possibility. The simple concept placed you in the role of an adventurer in different scenarios, and your choices would dictate the story, by telling you to turn to a certain page to continue the adventure depending upon the choices you wanted to make. Gamebooks like these were great at stoking a child's imagination at the time, and there is even talk of a CYOA movie in the works today.

What's little known, however, is that there were several ideas that were considered for Choose Your Own Adventure, and then dismissed for various reasons. Here then, are the Top Ten Rejected Choose Your Own Adventure Titles:

10. Journey Under Grandma's Quilt

9. Trapped on the Couch!

8. The Island of Elvis Impersonators

7. Audit!

6. Bathroom City

5. You Are a Cannibal

4. Adventures in Slave Trading

3. The Mystery of the Irregularly Shaped Mole

2. You Are a War Criminal

And the Number One Rejected Choose Your Own Aventure Tile is........

1. Your Code Name Is Hitler

Thank you! Good Night!

How "How I Met Your Mother" and "Coupling" are the Same Show

Some years ago, the BBC decided to create their own show to compete with "Friends." Their answer was a show called "Coupling," a funny and clever show about a group of twenty somethings and their awkward sex lives as they try to figure out who they are going to become. It became a big success in the UK, so much so that NBC decided to create their own version, as they had done with "The Office." The attempt was a dismal failure, and that was the end of the experiment.

Or was it?

Not long after, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas emerged with a brand NEW show called "How I Met Your Mother," about a group of 20 somethings and their awkward romances as they try to figure out who they are going to become. Despite the fact that creators of both shows claimed the idea was based on their own lives and relationships, and that both shows experimented with traditional sitcom structure, both shows have only been thought of as "Friends" knockoffs, and no comparison has ever been drawn between "Coupling" and "How I Met Your Mother."

Until now. Follow this little photoessay and judge for yourself.

 That's just the beginning...

And this:

And my personal favorite:

Am I on to something here or not? To the best of my knowledge, the creators of "How I Met Your Mother" have never acknowledged a debt to "Coupling" for inspiring their show, or even an awareness of the prior show's existence. Neither has anyone else. Not to take away from the creative efforts of everyone who has worked on HIMYM, which has turned out completely original scripts as far as I know. But it seems to me some sort of acknowledgement of its clear predecessor is due, no?

5 Cover Songs That Are Better Than the Originals

I am normally not a big fan of cover songs. I particularly hate when people try to cover Beatles songs. So does Aimee Mann, God bless her. But every once in awhile, lightning strikes, and a cover successfully redefines a song and makes it better than its original. Here are five that I think did just that. Or maybe it's just that they're more up tempo than the originals. Well, you be the judge. Originals first.

Hazy Shade of Winter - Simon & Garfunkel vs. The Bangles





I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton vs. Whitney Houston





My Way - Frank Sinatra vs. Sid Vicious




Twist and Shout - The Isley Bros. vs. The Beatles




Hurt - Nine Inch Nails vs. Johnny Cash

Top Ten Reasons Clint Eastwood Spoke to an Empty Chair at the Republican National Convention

10. Thought he was starring in the conclusion to his seminal “Clyde” trilogy, “Any Which Way But Sane.”

9.   Was promised Morgan Freeman voiceover for chair on televised broadcast.

8.  Chair only remaining actor who will tolerate Eastwood’s tyrannical directing style.

7. Thought Chair was articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking chair.

6. Promised he could do for Wal-Mart’s Furniture Department what “Halftime in America” commercial did for Chrysler.

5.  Teaser for his new MTV Reality show "Eastwood vs. Chair."

4. Guy is 82 years old, really thought Obama was sitting in chair.

3. Was told he was hosting the Oscars, Obama would be CGI’d in later.

2. Chair needed a job, wouldn’t take government handout.

And the number one reason Clint Eastwood spoke to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention……..

1. HE BUILT IT!   Thank you ladies and gentlemen!

Arrivederci, London: V (5) Stories from the XXX Summer Olympic Games

I started this blog in 2006, and every two years since, I have dutifully recorded my musings on the Olympics, whether Summer or Winter. I’m all about consistency, so what follows is the 2012 London edition, with five stories about the XXX Summer Games I think you should know about. You won’t find anything about Michael Phelps here, nor Usain Bolt. No commentary about Jordyn Wieber, NBC’s coverage or the Opening/Closing ceremonies.  These are just the stories that I thought were particularly interesting, stories you might not know if you have some kind of life and didn’t spend the last two weeks watching 800 hours of coverage like I did. So, without further ado: V stories for the XXX Summer Olympiad:

1. The Montenegro Women’s Handball Team

Montenegro, as a sovereign nation, does not have a rich and storied history in the Olympic Games. In fact, it doesn’t have much of any history. Up until 1992, it was part of Yugoslavia, and even then, when other nations got to branch off on their own, like Croatia and Bosnia and Herzegovina, Montenegro continued to be part of a Federal Republic of Yugoslavia with Serbia. Montenegro did not become an independent nation of its own until a mere six years ago, which means their first participation in the Olympics as their own country was only four years ago, two years after they were formed. Unsurprisingly, they failed to medal.

In London, their chance for a large medal haul was similarly non-existent. Their best chance of any medal at all seemed to come from the men’s water polo team, as Yugoslavia had traditionally been a water polo power. Unfortunately for the Montenegrins, their arch rivals, the Croatians, knocked them out of the bronze medal game and sent them home hardware free. 2012 might have been another year of waiting to put Montenegro on the competitive map then, if not for the women’s handball team.

These gutty Montenegrin women made a statement in their first game, blowing out Great Britain by the unlikely score of 31-19, which spurred them on to a berth in the quarterfinals against the favored France, who they edged out with a 23-22 score. They pulled off a similar nail-biting upset in the semifinal against Spain, winning 27-26 and earning a gold medal shot against heavily favored Norway.

The Norwegians had won five of the last six European championships and were the current Olympic and World champions. They were the undisputed queens of the sport. Montenegro, in contrast, according to their coach, selected their team from a pool of about 100 women in the entire country who even knew how to play handball. If Montenegro were to win, it would have been the equivalent of the Miracle on Ice, only if the game were played in 1780 instead of 1980. With less than a minute and a half remaining, Montenegro trailed the Norwegian goliath by only a single goal. Sadly for the stalwart Montenegrins, Norway was able to pull away, and secured their gold medal with a garbage goal as time expired for a 26-23 victory, but Montenegro’s silver medal, and coming within inches of gold, was no doubt an inspiration to newly formed and forming countries everywhere.

2. The United States Handball Team

This story is not nearly as inspiring. There IS no United States Handball Team. Well, there is, but not with a presence at the Olympics. And why the hell not? Why don’t we play this sport? It seems to have everything. It’s got jumping, passing, fast ball handling, lots of scoring and physical contact. It’s like a combination of every major sport we play in this country. If there were a Major Handball League in this country, I would totally watch it. But no. We’re not interested. Are we just full up on sports? I don’t get it. Also, why is LaCrosse not an Olympic sport? It doesn’t seem much different from a lot of other team sports played in the Olympics. I guess it’s not played in enough countries but again, I don’t really understand why.

3. American Women and Teamwork

The fact that American women are phenomenal in the Olympics, that they often outperform our men percentagewise and are responsible for a massive inflation in our medal haul is no fresh news. If the US Women were an independent country, they would have ranked fourth in total medal count for men and women combined, ahead of everyone except for China, Russia, and the host nation Great Britain. In total gold medal count for men and women combined, they would have been exceeded only by the Chinese. If you’re happy about this, you can thank Democratic Indiana Senator Birch Bayh, who wrote and sponsored the Title IX legislation all those years ago (40 years, to be exact). What’s really astonishing, however, is the level of dominance by American women in team sports. The U.S women won Football/Soccer, basketball, all around team gymnastics, both track and field relays, two out of three swimming relays, beach volleyball, doubles tennis, women’s eight rowing and water polo. We also threw in a silver medal in volleyball for good measure. If they hadn’t cut softball out of the games, there’s little doubt our women would have won that too. Do American women simply work better together than the men? Or is it that Title IX thing again? Whatever it is, we can thank women’s team sports for letting the US swell out their chests with pride at another Olympics.

Wait a minute. Did I just say WATER POLO? People play water polo in this country? Does anyone remember going to see the WATER POLO team in college? As you might guess, this is the first gold medal ever for American women in water polo, and the first American water polo gold medal at all in over 100 years (yeah, I didn’t know water polo was that old either). Why water polo, traditionally the province of Eastern Europe? Why not? In fact, since 2000, our women’s water polo team has quietly medaled in every Olympics before finally taking the gold this year. Maybe it’s the fact that water polo, like soccer, is an area where women have an opportunity to shine rather than be overshadowed by their male counterparts as they might be in sports like basketball. Maybe it’s just that American women intend to eventually dominate every team sport imaginable. US Women’s Handball gold in 2016, anyone?

4. Claressa Shields

And while we’re on the subject of American women, let’s shine a little spotlight on Claressa Shields. While America was marveling to the gymnastic feats of Aly Rasmussen and Gabby Douglas, 17 year old Claressa Shields from Flint Michigan was carrying the once vaunted U.S.A. boxing team on her back. Shields was the only gold medalist in boxing from the U.S. this year, and one of only two medalists of any color (another woman, Flyweight Marlen Esparza, took a bronze), saving the U.S. Boxing team from their worst showing ever, which remains Beijing’s single bronze in the last Olympics of the men-only era. Middleweight Claressa, whose father went to jail when she was two, was undaunted by tough living conditions and a natural bias against women in boxing, not to mention her young age, and went on to qualify for the Olympic trials and charge through the middleweight division, securing her gold with a 19-12 victory over a tough Russian fighter, Nadezda Tolopova. She did it all with an Ali-like style and grace, strutting her stuff and sharing her joy with the camera, doing it all with far more charm than ego. And if you thought Gabby Douglas had the most winning smile in the Olympics, then you didn’t get a chance to see Claressa crack one when talking about her gold medal victory.

5. The Decathlon

Guess who won the Decathlon in the Olympics this year? The U.S. Specifically, Ashton Eaton, in one of the most dominating performances ever, spurred on by the silver medalist, Trey Hardee, also an American. Wow! Finally, the U.S. has the world’s greatest athlete again, you say! We’re on top again for the first time since Bruce Jenner back in Montreal in 1976! What a triumph for American sports! If you are thinking this, it might interest you to know that the U.S. has won the decathlon a bit more recently than 1976. In fact, we won it… in the last Olympics. Yes, the winner of the 2008 Olympic Decathlon was none other than Brian Clay, of Kaneohe, Hawaii. Before that, you only have to go back three games to Dan O’Brien. So why don’t decathletes get any press anymore?

What was so special about Jenner? I mean, I know, now he’s Kim Kardashian’s stepdad, but he’s always been the only decathlete most Americans have ever heard of.

Even in 1992, there was the big “Dan vs. Dave” hype leading into the games, with viewers being exhorted to speculate whether Dan O’Brien or Dave Johnson would take home the Olympics’ top prize. I don’t remember any “Ashton vs. Trey” commercials.

Back in 2008, I speculated that the problem might be that Clay was half African-American. I hoped that I was wrong, but I did note that Dan O’Brien was also half African-American (Not Dave, and when he dropped out of the picture, leaving the field wide open for Dan to win in 1996, O'Brien did so with little national fanfare). Well guess what, sports fans?  Do I need to tell you the ethnic background of Ashton Eaton’s dad?

I really, really hope this is a coincidence, as my fear, if realized, is not really in the spirit of the Olympic Games. Unfortunately, it looks like we’ll have to wait until another American white guy wins or is speculated to win the Olympic decathlon to find out. In the meantime, I’m going to go ahead and just hope that the lack of Eaton coverage was due to the fact that there were so many other great things to focus on in these Olympic Games, not only those I’ve mentioned here but stories like Great Britain’s tremendous performance as the host country, the valiant efforts of double amputee Oscar Pistorius, Sarah Attar and Wojdan Shaherkani’s defying of religious sexual oppression to become the first Saudi Arabian women to compete in an Olympic Games, and much more.

Well, I could go on and on about the Olympics, I guess, but it seems I already have, so I’ll close here. See you in Sochi!

The XXX Olympics: 10 Olympic Athletes that Sound Like Porn Stars

In honor of the XXX Olympics, here are ten athletes whose names sound like porn stars. Disclaimer: I'm not trying to suggest any of these people are anything but talented, respectable athletes. That having been said; they have porn star names.

                                  Shannon Boxx  USA  Soccer

Julietta Cantaluppi  Italy  Gymnastics

                                                                    Chris Adcock UK Badminton 

Destinee Hooker USA Volleyball

 

 

Lars Boom Netherlands Cycling

 

 

Karen Cockburn Canada Trampoline

Oliver Buff Switzerland Soccer

    
                                                                             Francesca Fox UK Gymnastics  

Hana Horakova Czech Republic Basketball

James Harden USA Basketball

800 Things Wrong with "In Time"

I recently saw the movie “In Time” starring Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried. It wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it was far from the best. It was way too long, especially for a movie about two people who essentially become Sci Fi Robin Hoods/Bonnie and Clyde. Also, the conceit of the film does not seem to have been thought all the way through. The concept is sort of a modern day “Logan’s Run.” Everyone is genetically engineered to stop aging at 25. The catch is, you then have a year to live. You can “earn” more time the same way people earn money in our world, but you also have to pay for everything with your time, so a sudden jump in your rent can literally cost you your life. A cup of coffee costs a few minutes, whereas a night in a nice hotel might cost you a whole month or more. People are confined by toll booths to different “time zones,” where the people in the ghetto rarely have more than a day in the bank (actually, on a clock genetically built into their arms) and people in the highest zone (New Greenwich) are essentially immortal, with hundreds or even millions of years to spend according to their whims. When Will Salas (Timberlake) is suddenly gifted 100 years by a suicidal New Greenwich citizen, he decides to use his new time to go on a crusade and collapse the system from the top on down.

This is kind of a clever idea, and an obvious allegory for the vicious class system that are own nation enjoys, but as I said, all the details don’t seem to have been worked out. To wit, I present the 800 (and by 800, I mean five) plot holes in “In Time.” SPOILERS AHEAD!

1. Short Timers

The stride in which people in this society take having hours or minutes to live is completely unbelievable. Sure, it’s all they’ve ever known, but this is essentially like watching yourself bleed to death and thinking “oh, it’s cool, I’ll figure something out.” In this world, the ghetto is littered with people who “time out.”  What’s important to understand is that there’s no way to protect your time. Anyone can take time from anyone else simply by grabbing their arm. The person can resist, of course, but if you’re strong enough, they can’t stop you. Yet there is only one small gang that ever goes around stealing time. In reality, if you had five minutes to live, you’d grab the next person you saw and beg, threaten or beat them in order to get a few more minutes. Yet in this ghetto where everyone has less than a day to live, there is virtually no violence. It’s implied, but we never see it, despite the fact that it should be happening ALL THE TIME.

2. The Casino

In one of the most ridiculous scenes in the movie, Timberlake faces off against Vincent Karnheiser (Pete Campbell to you Mad Men fans) in a high stakes no limit hold’em poker game. The actual hand is as ridiculous as you would expect from a poker movie scene. On a board of Q 5 6 J, Pete, holding top set, bets FIFTY YEARS, and Timberlake, who’s never had more than a day before in his life, calls with 4 8 offsuit! Naturally, a 7 comes and Timberlake wins a huge pot, but this isn’t the craziest part of the scene. The craziest part is that on the river, Pete essentially puts Timberlake all in. Timberlake calls, by putting his clock in a reader and letting it tick down to nothing. Of course, when it actually hits zeroes, he’s dead and there’s no coming back, so he’s relying on Pete to show the losing hand and for the computer to register it before he checks out, which naturally, is exactly what happens. If this were real, no casino would want players dying at the tables. Just like our world, you would exchange your time for chips and then play with those chips, so that going all in wouldn’t FUCKING KILL YOU.

3. The Time Zones

All that’s separating the ghetto from the next class of time owners is a toll plaza. No tanks, no phalanx of armed men with guns, the only way they can stop you from moving up in the world is by charging you an excessive amount of time to cross into the next zone. There’s nothing stopping you from rushing the barrier, as evidenced when it is crashed through in the middle of the movie with no consequences. In a world like this, it would take exactly two seconds for the time disadvantaged, who are nastier and outnumber the time rich, to revolt, charge the higher zones and take all their time.

 

4. The Security

One of the most unlikely things about this scenario is how easy it is to take someone’s time. Essentially, it’s like having every dollar you own taped to your body. If this were really how the world worked, someone would very quickly find a way to lock time, so no one could take it against your will. At the very least, someone would invent some goddamn armored sleeves so no one could grab your arm and “clean your clock” (from the movie, yes, very clever) in your sleep.

5. The Bus

This one was my biggest pet peeve about the movie. In the first major plot point of the film, Timberlake’s mom, played by Olivia “Thirteen” Wilde, is getting ready to take the bus home to celebrate her 50^th birthday with her son. However, she is shocked to learn that the bus fare has jumped from one hour to two, and mom has only left herself 90 minutes to get home. The charmingly sympathetic bus driver’s advice is, “you’d better run” and she does, only to fall seconds short of connecting with Timberlake in time for him to give her some life saving minutes. The two bitter ironies of this moment are 1) Timberlake has just been gifted 100 years, 50 of which he was probably all set to transfer over to mom and 2) Mom gave Timberlake 30 of her minutes that morning so he could have a nice lunch (which, idiot, maybe make him a fucking sandwich?).

But wait a minute. The cost of bus fare is TWO HOURS? This makes no sense at all. First of all, the standard of this currency is completely out of wack. A nice cup of coffee costs 4 minutes, a nice lunch costs 30 minutes, and a ride on the bus costs TWO HOURS?? Any moron who would take the bus in this kind of economy deserves to die. The second issue is that the bus fare has jumped from one hour to two overnight. This type of inflation is absolutely ludicrous. It’s explained that the rich intentionally jack up the prices of everything so that the lower classes will keep dying, because “for a few to be immortal, many must die” although why this is is never really explained. But doubling overnight? Even if such a thing could happen without an immediate revolution, you can be sure the proposed rate change would have been on the news for weeks, and there’s no way she wouldn’t have known about it. But she doesn’t seem terribly surprised, and neither do any of the passengers who have just been gouged for double the normal bus fare. I mean, why would you spend more time to ride the bus than it would take to get there on foot? You’re all 25! Get a bike!

I’m sure there are 795 more things wrong with this movie (I didn’t even get into the whole “timekeepers” concept), but my time is finite too, so I’m going to end this rant here. Good try, but I think the screenwriter should have spent a little more in time figuring out how this would all actually work.